I Am A Big Scaredy Cat Or Something Like That…

Or maybe I just know what I want? Or maybe I have no idea what I want? Or maybe I am content with where I am right now? Or maybe I am seriously afraid of change or of just putting myself out there? But in my defense, I have no fear meeting new people, confessing my deep dark secrets on my blog, or sharing what I think about the latest loser on the Bachlorette on Twitter. It just doesn’t make sense.


Oh, I just realized I haven’t given you a clue of what I am talking about. Well, here it is…

So I finally did it! I finally created a profile on one of those internet dating sites. After I got all your feedback a few months ago, stewed over the responses, and had some free time at the beach, I decided to take the plunge and sign up.

I had no problem answering the questions about myself or opening up my wallet and dolling out the monthly fee, but unfortunately that is as far as I got. Or as far as I will get. But it is not a total waste, I did figure out one thing.

Internet dating is not for me, at least right now. And here’s why:

  • I love meeting people, but I do not love reading (or more accurately judging) their profiles.
  • I love getting to know someone slowly and learning about whether or not we are compatible, but I do not love reading someones carefully crafted answers to some fill-in-the-blanks.
  • I love opening up to others (slowly as it is appropriate), but I don’t love trying to create a me that looks good on paper.
  • Oh and most importantly, I don’t love rejecting communication from potential suitors when I have never spoken to them. But I have this feeling that I don’t want to ever speak to them. EVER.

So I am shutting it down for now.

And focusing on enjoying my days, building my character, being a loyal friend, all the while hoping/praying that someday I bump into “the one.” Because I trust that God has a plan for me. One that is better than I can imagine for myself.

Important disclaimer for this post. Mom/Dad – I am certain you have now read this post and have some opinions about it. I know that you are looking forward to sharing them with me this weekend. I know that you just want the best for me. And that you think I deserve a wonderful life filled with a wonderful man and some wonderful kids. But I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I do not want to talk about whether I think there are single men in Nashville. If you must, share your thoughts with my sweet sister who can try to pass them along in a gentle sweet sisterly way. Oh, and I love you guys so much and can’t wait to see you too!

To make me feel better about all this, will you please tell me how you meet your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend?

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  • Love this post! And I love your note to mom/dad at the bottom…too cute. I also tried internet dating and found it to be quite disconcerting (on a good day) and an experience from hell (on a bad day). So, like you, I shut it down. I also believe that God will definitely work around and without that in my life!

    Allison (from JL!)

  • This is a precious post. I can so relate to your experience. I have a fairly long “how we met” story. But, It will try to sum it up for you really quickly. I tried the internet dating…I had it for approximately 30 days…and I determined I hated it. During that 30 days, I met my husband. However, I determined during the 30 days we dated, that I hated him too. Haha! We parted ways and did not speak again for an entire year. A year later, we ran into each other at a Youth Worship Service at a Church. We both attended faithfully every week and over the following year, we got to know each other better and developed a friendship. But, I told him in no uncertain terms was I interested in ever dating him again. Again, haha! Then, one day during my prayer time I began to wonder if he was the one I let get away. Within minutes of having that thought and realizing I might actually be interested in him, an acquaintance of mine called me and asked permission to date Ken. I was so taken aback and so unsure of what I was feeling for him, I gave her my permission. However, several months later they determined that they were better off as friends…We began dating shortly after that…and 12 months later we got married. I was 35 when I married. We just celebrated our 1-year anniversary.

    I struggled with loneliness off and on. I struggled with all of the well meaning friends who tried to set me up or ask me when I was going to settle down. I struggled with being the only single among my group of friends. I struggled with all of the pat encouragement like “God has someone for you”. I struggled with feeling lonely and that I wouldn’t feel that way if I allowed God to be enough in my life…which only made me feel like a wretched Christian and compounded my struggle. But, I took solace in the fact that God has my greater good in mind. I took solace in the fact that there is nothing too hard for God. Anyways, Isorry for the really long comment. I could go on and on about those years in my life. I really related to your post…


  • This was totaly fun!

  • John Ireland

    hey, friend…

    first, thanks for continuing to let us into this area of your life. 🙂

    second, my wife and i began our relationship during a conference trip to Willow Creek with ~30 other folks. we knew each other before the trip (even served on a team together), but it was that trip back in October of 2002 that started our journey toward marriage.

    hope ya have a good day!

  • I love this post, too!

    In college, I made a similar decision to yours. I decided to stop dating and really focus on my own spiritual growth and character development. This was the result of a challenge I heard from a speaker at a college conference. He said to the men: “God is not going to hook up a 500 horsepower Christian woman with a 50 horsepower Christian man. If you want to marry a woman like THAT, you have to become a 500 horsepower man.”

    About a year after I made this commitment—seemingly out of the blue—I met Gail. I knew she was “the one” after about two minutes. We got married nine months later. My love grows stronger with each passing year.

    Today is our 31st wedding anniversary.

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  • Good morning Lindsey. I really enjoyed reading your blog this morning. I applaud you for blogging about this part of your life. As I read your blog, I thought back in my life about how I met my beautiful, loving wife of over 10 years. We worked at the same company in different areas and it was by chance that we got to meet each other. It had to be by God’s grace and perfect plan for my life.

    I said that to really second the thoughts that Michael posted above.

    Have a blessed day.

  • I recently made a very similar decision. I had several friends that had enjoyed success on a certain site and thought I would give it a try…and I was miserable. It just was not for me. It is nice to know I am not the only one that feels this way. I struggle with loneliness and the fact that I am *gasp* 30 and still single but my focus has to be on one thing and one thing only…Him. And I am quite content (on most days) that He is enough.


    Thanks for posting this!

  • Megan Miller

    You are totally awesome! I completely support this plan and came to the same conclusion myself not long before meeting Joel – I think I even made almost the same disclaimer to my parents:)

    You are on the right path…

  • kurtlytle

    Good post. This is the same conclusion I recently adopted and for many of the same reasons.

    All I know is that God has a plan for my life and it will include the “one” he has set aside for me. I believe introductions from wise, faithful friends is how I want to meet for now.

    As others have said… work on myself (to get to 500 horsepower 🙂 and the right thing will happen according to His will.

    Must get to work now… but glad I found this post… best wishes!

  • Lindsey, you’re not the only person I know to say online dating isn’t all that. 🙂

    At the time I met my husband I was in graduate school. Throughout college I had struggled with seeing almost everyone I knew in a relationship or married, and here I was single with no prospects. Finally I gave that worry up to God. I prayed for years for God to bring “the one” into my life, and he did…through ballroom dancing. A dear friend of mine took me as her guest to a ballroom dancing studio. My husband-to-be was a student. We met and started dating, then a little over a year later we married.

    There was a lot of freedom when I was able to let go of my desire to find a husband and allowed God to do His thing. It wasn’t easy, but the reward was worth it. We just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary.

    Bless you for being so open and honest about this. I’m sure you’ve encouraged many with your transparency.

  • Makes sense to me. I was fortunate enough to miss out on the internet dating fun. My wife and I met in high school. So that doesn’t help…

    Maybe this will…my buddy met and married a great girl a couple years ago. They met through a mutual friend that badgered them both into going on a blind date. I just found out a couple weeks ago that they’re going to have a child in January. Oh, and they’re both in their late 30’s.

    I think “focusing on enjoying my days, building my character, being a loyal friend, all the while hoping/praying that someday I bump into “the one.” sounds like a great plan.

  • I love how you evaluated your experience to find what did and didn’t work for you. Telling your story is so encouraging for others facing singleness but not finding the online scene to be the end-all. My favorite part is the section to your parents. Love it!

    And you’re absolutely right – God’s plan is far better than anything you can imagine. Praying for God to fill you with His Presence and patience for the wait. Blessings!

  • Lindsey – You are so far from alone in these thoughts. I was just talking with my girlfriend last night about that very thing…

    So, I know how bad it feels to be in this season you are in (I’m 30 and unmarried) but the most important thing is to seek what God is trying to teach you here.

    For me it was learning how to trust that the creator of the universe has the perfect plan for my life and that my only job was to ask what is the next step.

    I also learned one more thing which was much more difficult for me to answer. If I never got married, would God be enough for me? How would I react if I were Job? Do I pursue the gifts of the Lord more than I pursue Him?

    As I have struggled through the ups and downs of my singleness, the times where I found true peace is where God was really enough for me.

    You are not alone… 🙂


  • Ali


    Everything you said above about internet dating is so true. (I have been doing it for several months now.) People make rash judgments based on pictures and inaccurate profiles–including me–and it is so unhealthy. I intend to stay in the internet dating world, but I do have lowered expectations.

    I think what you said about focusing on yourself and building your character are so important. I believe it is very hard to be single (I am several years older than you are), but you are also right that we need to trust in God’s plan.

    P.S. I really like your blog.

  • I loved reading this. I’m single too, and have had a lot of pressure to join one of those sites. I did for a bit, but nothing about it seemed natural or like I could do that and trust the Lord in it. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one!!

    I’m glad I found your blog!

  • So well said–and fun to read. Hang in there, girl!

  • richardhanrahan

    26 years old – bored, backpacking around Australia some might say an empty vessel when all of a sudden I see, no hear, this incredible burst of energy and vitality enter the courtyard of the hostel i’m sitting in. After 5 minutes of watching (and listening!) I got up, went inside and without any hint of sarcasm, irony or doubt told my friend he had to come into the garden and meet the woman I was going to marry. As 2 weeks later she was gonna leave Australia and head for home (Denmark) we had some pretty heavy conversations early on about plans, goals and dreams. 3 months of letter writing led to 6 months of getting to know one another by letter followed by a further 6 months of commuting between London and Copenhagen for dates!! Married 11 months after we met and still crazy about one another with 2 wonderful children. God also used her hunger for Him to re-ignite my passion but that’s another story!

  • Thanks for this post. I have the same hesitations and ongoing discussions with family and friends about online dating, especially with those who have successfully met someone online and especially in the years since I turned 30.

    My internal struggle has always been that I agree with your line of thought–I love to meet people and get to know them slowly, and I trust that God has a plan and the perfect timing. However, I wonder in the back of my mind whether some of today’s internet dating sites aren’t God’s lifeline–along the lines of the guy caught in the flood, who prays to God to save him, refuses help from a rowboat and helicopter, drowns, and then complains to God in Heaven that He didn’t save him. God replies that He sent a rowboat and a helicopter, but the man refused their help.

    For now, I will continue to trust that God will bring the right man at the right time, through the more traditional methods. But, I haven’t completely closed the door to online dating in the future.

  • aaronjacobs

    Good for you! I actually quit ‘dating’ altogether around the age of 24…no more asking out, no more blind dates, nothing. I completely trusted the Lord to point out my wife to me before we ever started moving into any kind of relationship. It wasn’t anything in particular, that is just the place where I put my faith in the Lord.

    As weird as this sounds, my wife and I each had 3 dreams on the same 3 nights. After we gained the courage to share them with each other, we saw that when they were placed in order they were a complete timeline of our courtship…from that point, where there was nothing more than a friendship and had to stay that way for a while (long story), to the point where we were married.

    So, let me encourage you to remain in faith! Absolutely the Lord knows who is best for you. And, the only advice I have for you is to make the most in serving Him while you are single, and enjoy this time. Marriage is AWESOME! But, things change with marriage…again, marriage is AWESOME, just different. Being single was also awesome, and wouldn’t trade that time of serving the Lord for anything! Later, and God Bless!


  • Great post…I met my wife while we worked together at a Christian bookstore. I was the music guy, she was the Bible, kids book buyer. The beauty of the process was how my expectations and plans were displaced by seeing God’s providential care. 16 years later, I could never have chosen anyone like my wife. Not by might, not by power but by my Spirit…says our great God.

    My prayers are with you. Thanks for sharing from the heart.

    God’s peace.

  • I’m affraid I can be of no help at this point. I met my bride-to-be when we were in 8th grade! Wow that was a long time ago. But we will now be wed in 11 days!!

    What I will say is something I have heard many say. If you find a man chasing God at the same pace as you, investigate. But if he is not, drop him quick. Good luck!!

  • Chicken To SAY

    I am too chicken to do what you did. BRAVO BRAVE ONE!

    I too tried the internet scene after several friends of mine met spouses that way. It pushed me to “put myself out there”. I kept saying “there are no good men in my areas of life”.

    Finally I shut it down for similar reasons.

    Several weeks later I re-bumped into a man I work with loosely. We were both on a plane and got to talking. He was a man I would normally say “no way, never him”. Long story short. NEVER SAY NEVER. 8 months later I married him and that was the best decision I ever made.

    God bless you in your journey!!! Thank you for sharing

  • lindsey… i love this post! the fact that you know what you love and don’t love it awesome… not everyone is that self-assured on what is best for their personality.

    and the parental disclaimer at the bottom is hilarious!!! i really needed that laugh… and then realized that there’s a good chance i might receive a parental disclaimer via blog one day! 😉

  • Dear Lindsey,

    Funny, funny, funny. But a dang wise choice! While I am aware that there are many people who have benefited from internet dating services, I also suspect that Ted Bundy, were he still with us, would just loooove modern internet access to LonelyGuy.com or whatever they call these things.

    So, Lindsey…tell your parents that you met a nice guy who is originally from Montana…say that your first date is this weekend and he wants to take you to a Gun Show! Trust me, they will drop the internet dating subject quickly!

    Your buddy,


  • After I got tired of the internet dating scene (I’d tried the online personals, too), I met my wife in an internet chat room. The difference is, this time I wasn’t looking.

  • I respect your decision not to engage in internet dating for the present. Should you be open to changing your opinion, you may be interested in reading “Internet Safari, Finding Love Online at 65” which is about how I used the internet to find the woman of my dreams over a Christmas holiday season and then enjoyed a year of travel and getting to know each other better and better. Marriage is something we may consider before long.

  • john stewart

    if it makes you feel any better… if i lived in southern utah and had a compound with multiple wives with cool braided hair and long dresses…. you would totally be on my radar.

    i met my wife in a hot tub in hawaii. seriously. we were vacationing with our families and they got to know each other long before there was any love connection. we ended up becoming best friends even though we never lived in the same town. then one day i realized that she was the only one in the world that could ever put up with me for a lifetime… so i called her and told her to not say anything and just listen… and from a phone booth in burbank, ca i did what men don’t really like to do and that is to open up and lay it all on the line. i told her she was my best friend, that i could not imagine my life without her and that i truly loved her and that i thought we should be together. after the awkward silence, she responded “are you done? you have made me 10 min’s late for my date with my new boyfriend”. not the response that i was looking for and in fact we ended up not talking for months. then one day she needed a friend again… not a boyfriend, just the old friend that knew her, accepted her and loved her. and something magical happened. for some reason she said to herself that maybe it was worth trying to take the relationship to the next level. when she opened herself up to it, it felt right immediately. i asked her to marry me like the next day. surprised everyone that thought we were just friends. and that was 21 years ago last Friday.

    so hang in there. God has indeed created someone just for you. and the wonderfulness of God is that he will surprise you…

    thanks for sharing your blog with us. its a joy to read. – john

  • I met my amazing husband through Christian.matchmaker.com. We emailed a few times. Talked on the phone for hours. Met for dinner and were married about 6 months later.
    Totally romantic story but much to long to post here.

  • Before I tell you how I met my husband I must say that I’m opposite. To get to know the real me it must be through what I write; I cannot express what I’m feeling or who I am adequately in real life unless I’ve known someone for at least 10 years. Really. i don’t speak well, it is all jumbled and I cannot coherently express myself verbally, but when I write, even though I’m not a great writer, there’s much more freedom there. The words flow. They aren’t carefully crafted; they are real and genuine but well, I guess that’s unimportant.

    How I met my husband: I’ve been married for 15 years and met my husband when I was 21.I know; seems so young! He started attending church with me and unlike all the other girls who were trying to impress the “new blood” of the college group I was just being myself. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. We had a mutual friend and after college group a bunch of us would go for dessert or snack. I was the only girl “allowed” to ride in the boy’s car. I always thought it was because I was “safe”. but now look back and realize that David kinda liked me. At the time I just thought we were great friends.

    He asked me to go sailing with him on the SF bay and I turned him down twice because I had a drama performance one time and a rehearsal the next time. (we learned a musical in Russian to go as a mission trip over there during the summer….. I had the “major” part: A long, 2 page monologue that I refused to learn in the russian language…. It was agreed that it’d be translated) Finally, the 3rd time I played hooky from drama practice and went sailing. He proposed to me a year after that. (on the same sailboat) and a year later we were married in a meadow outside his parent’s home with his pastor grandfather officiating the ceremony. I now have 3 kids and love him and my family so much.

  • Lindsey,

    This is too funny – and weird. I just shared this with Tami Heim, so I am going to cut and paste and share with you, too.

    Back in 1971, I was working as little as possible as a special duty nurse at U of M hospital and taking classes. I applied for a job in an OB-GYN office but was turned down because they hired another nurse with OB experience.

    Dennis was working for Ortho Pharmaceuticals, a division of J&J specializing in family planning products. He had decided to quit and go to grad school. I did not know him yet.

    The nurse got pregnant, and they called me. Dennis' boss talked him out of leaving.

    (God thing, of course. And later we found out we had grown up on the same "street"–U.S. 27–200 miles apart. Sometimes you don't see God's hand in "coincidences" until years later.)

    Dennis was called a "detail man." Our first conversation was about the effectiveness of one foam over another.

    My future matron of honor called him into the break room one day when he was calling on the doctors and told him to ask me out because she didn't like the guy I was currently dating.

    We were married 6 months later. December will be…counting on fingers…38 years!

    I was obviously not looking. I had no clue that the Christmas of 1970 would be my last as a single person. But God did.


  • So. Just an update, because I saw the title of this entry and it triggered a thought:

    I'm with you! I'm thinking that doesn't technically make either one of us a "scaredy cat," I think we're just aware of what's right for each of us personally, and what isn't. I closed down my account on Sunday (cue gargantuan sigh of relief) and can safely say this experience hasn't been for me. Interestingly, in a random (or not so random) twist of events, my best guy friend in another city met my former roommate (and dear friend) who lives here via the same service, and they've *completely* hit it off (of course I endorsed it!). Occasionally the gems find each other on these sites, and I'm assuming that's when God directs it as so. But my experience this time around has just been a headache, a study in comedies of errors (I've got book material, I'm tellin' ya!), and I'm going back to the more traditional methods, at least for a while. I was convicted last week by a lecture I heard that I not only need to be a good steward of my money and time, but also my emotions! And for me, personally, this wasn't the best emotional investment for the time being. 🙂

    Trusting that God will supply! 🙂

    • @steph, I'm standing with you on this one…"Trusting that God will supply." Just not up for the other option. Happy Thanksgiving.

  • Lindsey, I feel like I am reading parts of my life through your blog! I'm 32 single and I tried the whole internet dating thing a few years ago but for many of the same reasons I shut it down as well. Like you I feel like I will bump into "the one"! Plus, I have had a peace about being in this stage of my life. Of course that only comes through prayer and trusting that God's plans are better than my own and He has a plan for my life.
    I'm glad I saw this post and others through your "Top 10 Posts of 2009"!
    My recent post Happy New Year!

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