Today I am guest posting over on my friends Justin and Trisha Davis’ blog, RefineUs. To be honest, when Justin asked me if I’d be willing to write a post, I got nervous, really nervous. I knew that they wouldn’t be looking for a fluffy little post. I knew they would want me to reveal some parts of my heart that I wouldn’t be completely comfortable sharing. And I knew I had to say yes.

A few nights later, Justin emailed me details about what they were looking for…

There are people who read our blog that have tried their best but their marriages that haven’t made it. There are people that have tried for years to find the right person, and for whatever reason God hasn’t brought that person along. There are people who have done everything right, and have been disappointed by God, or by how their life has played out, up to this point.

It’s easy for me to write about second chances, because I’ve been given one by my wife…but not everyone story plays out like that. So my thought was to have each of you, as singles share perspective of how to experience God when life doesn’t go like you’ve planned…through waiting, through hurt and betrayal, through disappointment, through success, through failure…how have you learned to experience God where you are right now.

I found myself sleepless until this post wrote itself. I hope that it brings comfort to others who are living a life that was once incomprehensible. And I hope it brings a level of understanding to those who have the life of their dreams.


When I was younger, my friends and I loved to play this game “MASH.” I know, it sounds like a war game, but it was far from that. MASH was a game where your future was randomly laid out for you: what kind of home you’d have (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House), who you were going to marry, how many kids you would have, what kind of car you’d drive, what kind of job you’d hold. Worst-case scenario you’d drive a mini-van and live in a shack with Arnold, the dorky guy from algebra class, raising eight kids and struggling to make ends meet as a librarian.

Looking back, the peculiar thing about MASH is that being a single child-less Volvo-driving Corporate Communications Director was never an option. Because being single at 33 was just plain incomprehensible.

Candidly some days I wake up and it still feels a little incomprehensible. I wake up thinking, “Is this my life?”

Don’t get me wrong. I have a good great life. I have friends, a lot of interesting and loyal friends. I have a supportive family. I travel. I have the cutest dog on the planet. I have a challenging but stable job. I feel loved.

But still this is not the life I envisioned myself living.

Over the years, I have dated a handful of boys seriously. And each relationship was filled with its own set of problems, its own dose of dysfunction. As the song goes “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated…” Sometimes they were to blame. Sometimes I was to blame.

In each relationship. I allowed a level of intimacy that I feel was inappropriate. In each relationship, I gave an undeserving suitor too much of myself, too much of my heart. In each relationship, I fell for the temptation of letting what was good become what was ultimate. As each relationship ended, I walked away feeling hurt, betrayed, disappointed, and alone.

In the last couple of years, I have really been through a heart transformation. Today I am hoping and praying to find something, someone, different. To find something, someone, right for me. To find something, someone, who will lead and encourage me on my journey with God through life.

But my years of dysfunctional relationships, leave me grappling with questions. Questions that are hard to voice. Questions I feel stupid asking.

What does a healthy dating relationship when you are in your late twenties or thirties look like?

What is an appropriate level of intimacy?

Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?

Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one?

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Lindsey has a sincere love for her precious dogs Molly and Maisy, a good red wine and the Delta Sky Club.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Just read your post. Thank you for voicing exactly what I am going through. It's hard for people to understand. I appreciate your honesty.

    • glad it resonated with you and that you understand where i am (and vice versa).

  • Dear Lindsey,
    Well, shoot a monkey. I had the greatest. comment. ever. written and ready to post, and when I signed in with my WP login, it all went away.

    I was you, 20 years ago. I never imagined I would be in my 30's with no husband and no children. I gave myself to men who didn't deserve me, trying to force the situation and make marriage happen. When I was about to turn 35, being alone for quite a while, I took stock of my life. I had a super church family, alot of close girlfriends, health, a good job, the freedom to travel and spend money as I wanted. I literally threw up my hands to God and said, "This marriage thing. It's Yours." I open my hands and gave it to him, asking that he show me what he wanted me to do with all these pieces of my life. What was I supposed to be learning? For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace, content and happy, enjoying what I had and the life I was living.

    About 8 months later, I met my husband. We will be married 18 years in April. It has been a tough marriage. There have been many many times that I have questioned and begged and wept to God to tell me why he would put me in such a situation. Again, I started looking for the lessons to be learned. And I hesitantly, quietly began to see how God was shaping me. As metal on the anvil. As gold being refined. Ouch! There is quite a bit of pain associated with both of those examples. I began to see that every lesson in my life pre-marriage, was preparation for what was to come in marriage. Stepping stone after stepping stone lined the pathway to the point where I am standing today.

    Is it the marriage I intended and wanted? No. Is it the marriage that my friends have? No. (And who knows what kind of marriage they really have behind closed doors?) Is it the marriage I have? Yes. And slowly, slowly, (sometimes gindingly) slowly, we are becoming one. I continue to search and beg for help in lessons learned, and He continues to hold me, to walk beside me, to heal me, to mature me.

    You are a daughter of the King, you are precious in His sight, you are worthy. Prayerfully, somewhere a man is being prepared for you. A man with a mature heart who's intent is to respect you, to treasure you, to walk with you towards a heavenly goal. In the meantime, open your mind, your hands and your heart to the lessons trying to be taught. If and when the time comes for you to marry, you will be such a blessing to your husband. And if that is not the plan, I know, just know, He has your best interest at heart and will not leave you behind.

    To read my philosophy of living, read Part 1 and Part 2

    I' m following you now so I can see what's going on with you. Take care.
    In His Love,
    My recent post I {Heart} Faces. “Dramatic Black and White”

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  • Great post. Even though my situation is sort of different it is still the same in the sense that this is not what I imagined when I was growing up. Your closing remarks say it perfectly though "Yet in the midst of my questions and confusion, I am 100% confident that He has me right where he wants me. And that His plan for me, albeit incomprehensible at times, is carefully crafted and sure to be full of wondrous surprises". Thanks for the thoughts and honesty.

  • i'm glad you woke up in the middle of the night that night…
    My recent post write now

    • and again… THAT would be ME. (mybad!)
      My recent post write now

      • i was wondering…thought you and tracee sure sounded alike 😉

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  • Heather Moore


    I am new to your blog, but already I am loving it. Your post today really resonates with me. Even though I am a mom of a small toddler, I spent the majority of my adult life single. In my mid to late twenties, I did not mind my singleness. I had a great job and lots of great friends. As I approached my early thirties, I really began to dislike my singleness. I spent years wrestling with God over the issue. At times I was even angry with God as I looked around as saw "everyone else" (or so it seemed) with the things I longed for…a husband and children. It took me years to realize that my singleness was only the surface issue, what I was really wrestling with was God's goodness. Was He really a good God? Was He really who He said He was?

    The worst advice someone can give a single adult is to say that "if you will become content with your circumstances then God will give you husband and family." I found this condensing at best and at worst it turned God into a puppet. As if I could manipulate God into giving me what I want.

    A verse that I claimed daily (and still do is Psalm 84:11, 'no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.' As odd as it sounds, I had to learn to trust God with my life. I had to come to place where I knew God would give me the things He deemed good for my life as long as I made decisions on a daily basis that honored Him. I had to to trust that whatever He deemed good for me (a husband or no husband, kids or no kids, etc) truly was good.

    I could spend hours dialoguing about this with you. It is a subject so close to my heart because of all the lessons I gained about life and God on my singleness journey.

    I have a blog of my own, although it is hardly worth mentioning….I think my parents and my sisters are my only followers! ha-ha But if you ever want to talk about singleness more an I more than happy to be a listening ear.

    • Welcome! I love the note about the bad advice. So true. And I would love to check out your blog. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I love hearing from folks who are the other side of this…

      • I hope that my comments were not interpreted as "if you become content with your circumstances then God will give you husband and family." That is not what I was saying or implying. For me, the whole episode of taking stock, appreciating what I had, being at peace with God's plan, was a time for me to get ready to meet my future husband. Without that prep time, I would not have been ready to be a good wife or to hear what God has been teaching me all through my marriage, and I would not have been ready to be in a tough marriage where I had to believe in myself when no one around me was. I just wanted to be clear about that.

        • Hi Paula,

          My statement was not referring to your post at all. I was merely re-stating some of the hurtful or wrong statements people said to me. I completely agree about the prep time…not only did God use that time to refine my character but also to really teach me about who He is and how to depend upon Him more fully. Certainly those are life lessons that I am now so grateful for. His timing in all matters our lives is perfect, but living that out on a daily basis is brutal sometimes!

        • Not at all…I understood what you were saying completely.

  • I commented on Refine Us but I wanted to say again . . . thank you for writing this.
    My recent post Beguiled by Deeanne Gist & J. Mark Bertrand

  • I also commented on your guest post. I'm sure it wasn't difficult but it was "real". Thank you for sharing it.
    My recent post Everything in Tidy Boxes

  • Chrystie

    That was an incredible post, Lindsey. I have thoughts, but I am going to try to put them together in an email after I let them simmer for a minute. That was awesome!
    My recent post The Whole Earth Sings

  • I'm not surprised anymore by your daring posts — at least I think I am.. then, BAM! you go and write another one.. 😉

    When you find THE ONE — you both will figure out the right level of intimacy. God will be in it and you will both be so CRAZY about each other in a REAL way, you'll hold the passion so carefully – you will care for it like a special treasure…

    It is like playing with fire.. when you find both PASSION, FRIENDSHIP, and lifelong attraction in body, spirit and mind. But, that is the dance that is worth it.

    Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children? YES! YES! YES!

    Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one? YES! YES! YES!

    🙂 One of your biggest FAN!

    Happy Easter, Lindsey!
    My recent post The First Easter BBQ

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  • Joe Willoughby

    There are points along the way on on our life journey that become "sign-post" moments. Perhaps you are experiencing one now. You will recall the Old Testament story of Eli and Samuel. Eli helped Samuel discern the voice of God. Something is stirring something deep within you, Lindsey. Submit this to some godly people around you and listen to what they say. Your current role is that of communications director for a great company but why are you here on this earth? What do you do best? What is that you do regardless of where you are because that is what you were born to do? And if you could change anything in this world, what would it be? Forty years from now, what difference do you hope your life will have made? Keep writing from your heart. It takes courage but in turn, it en-courages others to do the same. Thanks for your excellent blog.

  • Andie

    I am 29 and in about the same spot as you. I have spent the last 5 years working as nanny because my previous job as a counselor to abused & troubled teens had burnt me out. I thought by now I would be married and raising my own family, but instead I have been raising two of the greatest kids that aren't mine 55 hours a week. I often focus on just how blessed I am to be doing something I love so completely and thank God for all the wonderful aspects of my life, but sometimes there is the little voice deep inside that wants to cry, "What about my life?!?" or even worse, "When do I get a turn?!?"

    This past weekend was just emotional overload with an abundance of tears. Most of it was over the recent death of a friend and then the passing of a relative added on top of it. The crux was that the two events pointed out to me how much of my life had become absorbed by my "job" raising this family and how little time that left for me to have a life of my own and (wonderful friends aside) just how ALONE I am. My family are all either in Minneapolis or Dallas, I have great friends and clients in Nashville, but at the end of the day it is just me and my puppy.

    I always felt I had a really great personal relationship with God, but I have been looking for a new church home for the last two years. I was with one of my friends on Monday and told her about my weekend of weeping and she encouraged me to look into her church (Crosspoint) and from there I have been lead from post to post along this path that has spoken directly to me and reminded me that I am never alone. Though we are all on our own paths, there are people walking beside us, struggling on the same rocky terrain. I will not say that Raeann's or my Great Aunt's deaths happened to bring me here, but here is a great benefit to come out of their deaths.

  • […] That’s how I felt about this. […]

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  • veuhhukr26

    Recently I was extremely low on money and debts were eating me from all sides! That was UNTIL I decided to make money on the internet. I went to surveymoneymaker dot net, and started filling in surveys for cash, and surely I’ve been far more able to pay my bills! I’m so glad, I did this!!! With all the financial stress these years, I really hope all of you will give it a chance. – ver0

  • David Rodeback

    I enjoy your writing and your insight. However, the link to read more of “Incomprehensible” is broken. Thought you might want to know. The new link wasn’t hard to guess: