Controlling That Which I Cannot Control

I tend to be a control freak. (more control than freak hopefully)

Although I’ve always longed to be seen as carefree, spontaneous, even happy-go-lucky, I am more aptly described as responsible, steady, even predictable. Nothing scares me more than losing my sense of composure.

So it makes it quite interesting when I do things that force a loss of control like taking anesthesia.

I have only had a few small surgeries where general anesthesia was required but each time it has made me crazy. From when the IV is administered until I am “out” there is this gap of time where I wanted to control the process of losing control.

I still feel the same. Is this working?

This better be working because I don’t do pain well. At all.

Am I making sense?

Will I remember this moment? What about this one? And this one? And this one?

Suddenly the meds kick in and the next thing I know, I awake on “the other side” groggy yet mended, wondering what exactly I had missed.

If I am honest this is how I feel about my impending trip to Guatemala in two weeks with Compassion International. (Can we talk about how crazy that it is only 14 days away?)

I know that I am going to be changed. I know that seeing poverty firsthand and God at work is going to do a number on me. But I am fighting with every fiber of my being to limit the experience, to predict how I will feel, to know what God will say to me, and to control how I will respond.

And so this song by Hillsong United has become my prayer:

Take my life I lay it down
At the cross where I am found
All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way (Arms Open Wide)

Do you struggle with control? Will you take a minute to pray that I will be willing to let go and give up control?

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Lindsey has a sincere love for her precious dogs Molly and Maisy, a good red wine and the Delta Sky Club.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • It's funny that you post about this today. This morning, in between hitting snooze on my alarm and getting up, I prayed for your upcoming trip!!

  • Deb

    Who me? Struggle with control? Nope. Not one bit.

    Ignore that thing that sounds like massive rolls of thunder. It's just my family and friends busting out laughing at that statement. 😉

    I've had an interesting ride from laid-back to control freak to a lot less control-ish than I used to be over my lifetime.

    • Yeah, mine fluctuates too. It is silly the things I want to control.

  • Praying for you and will continue to throughout your trip!

  • Yes, I do struggle with control – maybe not in all things, but in several. I'm trying to work on that, though. I've said a prayer for your trip. Can't wait to hear about it when you return!

  • Oh, Lindsay, I will definitely be praying for you on your trip. And I'll be reading every day!

    • I will try to do a good job reporting the experience 🙂

  • I really struggle with this myself. Its not that I want my way its that i want to know what is going to happen. Its hard for me to sit in the back seat and let things go. But it is something that I am exercising every single day.
    My recent post Why Do You Go To Church To Be Someone Else

    • I always think that I want to know what is going to happen. Probably really don't want to know though…

  • first off, i.LOVE.your new picture! sooo cuuute!

    second, yes. but a lot less so than i used to. it's one of those things you have to give up when you get sober…and then keeping giving up in order to stay sober…so i'm sort of used to letting go and letting god anymore.

    lastly, yes. i will pray for you.


  • Yep, I'm a recovering control girl. One of the blessings in developing a couple chronic illnesses, though, is that it becomes starkly obvious that control is an illusion. I'm not saying that I don't still slip into my wanting-to-control-the-world-(or-at-least-my-world) tendencies, but it doesn't take as long now to realize the absurdity in it as it did when I was healthy. Just one of the many ways that God has played out the truths of Genesis 50:20 and Romans 8:28 in my life.

    And, yes, I'll pray for you. I'm looking forward to hearing (reading?) about your experiences!
    My recent post Happy birthday- Lee!

  • Boy, do I ever struggle with control. It's so hard for me to simply trust God in my daily life.

    I'm anxious to see the Lindsey that comes back to the states. I know my trip to Africa last fall changed me and the way I saw things regarding that portion of the world. If I could give one bit of advice based on my experience going to Nigeria for the first time…turn off your time filter. If you feel led to sit and talk with someone, sit and talk. If you feel led to spend an extra hour in a certain place, if you can do it. Your schedule could be the greatest ally to your control.
    My recent post Little steps of faith

  • I have trouble letting go of control too Lindsey. Will be praying for you and your trip. Looking forward to reading your experiences.

  • mddeibert

    I used to be carefree, spontaneous, and unpredictable. Then I got married. So lost the carefree. Then I had a child, I quickly lost the spontaneous. Then I had another one, and there went the unpredictable. But as I mature and they grow, I see that I’ve lost neither. It’s there, but in them! My 4 year old is unpredictable, my 10 year old is carefree, and my marriage has started to become spontaneous.

    Great post! And I will add you to my prayer list for your trip. You will do great, and I know that you will be the one to gain the most.

    • I love the thought that you have passed those things on to your kids. 🙂

  • Josh

    Praying for you and your trip, and that the need to control would be killed in Guatemala….or at least seriously maimed. 🙂
    My recent post A Real Friend

    • Thanks Josh. As I told someone the other day, please just don't pray for broken. Because I don't want to come back pointing the finger at you when it happens. 😉

  • two weeks! So excited for you… I will be praying and continue to pray 🙂
    My recent post The Continued Journey- Part 2 Repost

  • First of all, that is one of my favorite HU songs. Secondly, you're added to my prayer list re: your Guatemala trip. Finally, yes I do struggle with control. A very recent possibility for my church seemed to be shining God's favor on us, and the temptation was so strong to "get it done" – I knew I'd be tempted that way, so I asked some of friends to pray for me specifically about it – their prayers are definitely helping.
    My recent post terrafirma

  • I was recently thinking about your trip; I'm praying for you. When you let go, enjoy the freefall!

  • tamaracorine

    Thats a feeling I know all too fell… a crazy desire to be in control at all times.
    I'll pray for you, for sure – that you become confident that God's in control, so you don't need to be all the time…

  • Amy

    Father, give Lindsey the courage to let You be in control for a while. Guide her and protect her, and bless her with the gift of a loosened grip and the knowledge that even in when she's in Guatamala, YOU are in control, not her. : )
    My recent post Changing seasons

  • Los

    Cmon Bring It.
    Praying sista…

    My recent post What Defines A Best Friend

    • Thanks Carlos. Some big shoes to fill on these trips 🙂

  • Eve Annunziato

    So proud of you for taking this leap of faith toward the mission field. So excited for you since I know it will be life changing and you will be changing lives along the way.

    I'll be back here in the States keeping up with your amazing trip and lifting up you, and your wonderful team, in prayer, daily.

    For the record, I've seen your spontaneous side and it's fab and fantastic just like YOU! Love doing life with ya, friend – you make the journey so much more enjoyable 🙂

    My recent post My Fabulous New Ministry Venture!

    • You make the journey so much more enjoyable. Thankful for you and your family (and Sweet CeCes of course)!

  • danisedelights

    Sometimes I have my hands on the steering wheel of my life so hard… I have white knuckles. Little by little I am learning to let go and trust God.

    Your trip sounds like it will be amazing, wonderful and challenging all at the same time…. I'll pray for you.

    Enjoy the ride, every minute.

    • I know that feeling, the white knuckled one, all too well.

  • Cindy Schuerr

    Lindsey, I pray that you take away everything that God wants you to learn and experience from your trip to Guatemala. I know how hard it is to give up control, but hold God's hand and sing your song and you will do what He expects of you.

    Best Wishes to you!

  • I love you friend. Lots.

  • His control is so much better. A great reminder.

  • Thanks Nicole!

  • kub3294

    I think one of the best ways to give more control over to God is through honesty. Honesty, for me, is a big piece of surrender and acceptance. That I am not bigger than what is at issue. But, God is. Even when I THINK I know what the heck I'm doing.

    There is a saying that I hear frequently in my 12-step program: "I can't, but WE can". I have to surrender & ask for help (asking for help is a whole other issue!).

    Praying for you & your upcoming trip to Guatemala.

  • jcatron

    Me? Control issues? Never! 😉

    My recent post Allow Me To Brag

  • Lindsey, So cool that you get to go to Guatemala. What a powerful trip that will be, and I can't wait to hear about what God shows you. There is something so "other" about holding little hands and getting a glimpse into the world of an impoverished child. Makes you feel crazy for worrying at all about your own life. Or complaining for that matter. At least, that's what has been rolling around in my mind, of late.

    Can't wait to read all about it!

    My recent post Two Men and a Swimming Pool

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  • I love your posts! Such great reminders…

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