Last week I was hanging out with my friend Trish and I was harassing her for not returning a few phone calls and text messages. (Admittedly prompt response to correspondence is not Trish’s strength.) But after I got in a few jabs she said, “you are making me feel bad.”
And immediately I felt bad. Horrible, in fact.
Making her “feel bad” wasn’t my intention, or was it? After stewing on it for a few days, I’m still not certain. (Sorry, Trish.)
But one thing is clear. I have a terrible tendency to keep score in relationships. I file away a handy little mental tally that keeps track of how each of my friendships is progressing. Notches are silently added when someone exerts effort. And notches are deducted when they do not.
My tally prompts me when it is my turn to make a move. And my tally CLAIMS to protect me from not getting into a situation where I’m not getting as much as I am giving.
But what my tally REALLY DOES is limit my ability to love, limit my ability to extend grace, and limit my ability to faithfully risk in my relationships.
Anyone else struggle with this?