Can I Be Honest?

Really? Just for a minute? Painfully honest?

As much as I loved Catalyst

I kind of hated it.

You see, I was sick. And I was tired. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

For three days people (speakers, friends, and practical strangers) poured into me. They spoke wisdom. They spoke truth. They spoke love.

I should have been overflowing with inspiration, but I felt empty. I should have been thankful for all the incredible friends surrounding me, but I felt alone. I should have been confident in how much I am growing, learning, stretching, but I felt insecure. Really freaking insecure. I should have been encouraged, energized, empowered, but I felt beat-down, drained, and oh-so-broken.

Could have. Would have. Should have. Never changed a thing.

Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your need and be thankful for what has come. And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Liberating King.

Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and with truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. Keep to the script: whatever you learned and received and heard and saw in me – do it – and the God of peace will walk with you. Philippians 4:6-9, The Voice

So I am going to try praying about it. Praying about everything. Praying for peace. And hopefully someday soon the peace will follow.

Anyone else battling this right now?

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Lindsey has a sincere love for her precious dogs Molly and Maisy, a good red wine and the Delta Sky Club.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Kat

    great post, Lindsey…I can relate; we have to plug into the Source…the other things arent what truly fills us.
    it's an interesting phenomenon when we get to experience the great things we do like our jobs, co-workers, etc.
    must stop…reconnect & get filled from the only one Who can truly give us what we need.
    My recent post

  • YES! Yes, yes, yes, YES! Earlier this year, I spent 6 months in Kenya. Day after day, I waited to be inspired, gripped, pulled, broken….SOMETHING. And day after day, it didn't happen. Occasionally, I'd be overwhelmed by the horror of something — a baby crawling in the dirt with his eyes swollen and infected — or street boys, lying on a dirt pile in broad daylight, sniffing glue — ribs exposed and painful.

    But the typical feelings? The ones you would expect to have after seeing those things? They weren't there. And I felt like a horrible person. Did I just not care about people anymore? Was I that wrapped up in myself? What was I even there for? How could I so easily fall asleep at night?

    Honestly? I was just drained. There was too much. Of everything. Too much need. Too much poverty. Too much I COULDN'T do. Too much heartache and brokenness. When you get a sensory overload like that, sometimes you start to shut down. I had to learn to process everything slowly until I was able to handle it all. THEN, I was actually able to feel — to DO something for them.

    But, oh….was that ever a bewildering, frustrating time! I felt like I couldn't be honest with anyone about it.

  • brothertonandrew

    Wow, I really needed to hear that. I felt the same way last week. Stresses of school/life/everything piling up around me and sometimes it is so hard to and even impossible really to just leave it at the door of the chapel or services. And I take it in and I have to fight so hard to try and break through where I can get what God was intending for me. I lucked up that the messages were so amazing.

  • Insecurity is my number one deterrent from achieving my potential. Therefore, I fear my potential frequently.

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  • Rich

    “…so talk to God…and be thankful…” Timely scripture for me. We have so much and yet our when our worldly wants don’t pan out we are quick to forget all God has done. Thank you!

  • I’m raising both hands…

  • tam

    yes. like, in a real heavy way.

    so many things right now in life that are adding and piling up. all causing so many emotions. all resulting in emotional, spiritual and even physical change.

    i mean, dang, ive been so anxious i had to be put on Ativan for a week. oy.

    but ive identified my problem. although ive recognized the culprits and have prayed about them all… ive not cast my worries, concerns or anxieties on to Him.

    to “cast” is to “throw off”. that means release. ive not even come close to doing that. not wholly. im still holding onto to some things. some are small, some are big…you even know of one.

    but know this…i will be praying for you, friend. i truly will.

  • I think this is one of the dangers of conference like Catalyst. It's easy to go and be encouraged. But it's also easy to come away discouraged. I'm not sure what makes the difference between the two. However, I know you've gone to the right place in order to find peace. I'll be praying with you.

  • Excellent post, Lindsey! I’ll be praying for you. 🙂

    I’m struggling with forgiveness in a major way. Like, had a complete breakdown today as I fought with God as to why I have to forgive and why He can’t give me a free-pass on this one. Just feeling a bit on the broken side these days.

  • Can I be honest to you? I guess I can: indeed you are right, we can be busy with important stuff and disconnected from the Source, but on the other hand my feeling about you American people is that you are taking so much for granted.
    My recent post calinvalean- RT @NoWealthButLife- Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in-but with what it is still possible for you to doPope John XXIII

    • Yes, that is totally fair! I take so much for granted. Our pastor talks about the ridiculous "problems rich people have" and this is certainly one of those.

  • Yes… in a very real way. I just told someone tonight that as much as I love what is happening in my life and as much as I feel I'm in my "zone" for the first time in a long time, I've been having "insecure leader" days lately. I think part of it is healthy because I never want to feel like "I'm the man." On the other hand, it can be downright paralyzing.

    On one hand I look at the progression of my life in the context of this particular season and can say, with confidence, "me!" On the other hand, I end many days overwhelmed and wondering "me?" So yeah, me too. Thanks for your honesty and this post. Praying for you, my friend.

    • Yeah, it is amazing how much perspective affects us…

  • Makeda

    Absolutely! Totally feeling completely insecure and unsure about just about everything I'm doing these days as the magnitude of the leadership role I sit in dawns on me in greater measure. I seriously pray Solomon's prayer for wisdom EVERY single morning before going into work. But I also know that I am not resting enough. I'm not allowing my mind time to turn off and when I do that I'm much more prone to feeling drained. Thank you for the honesty of your post. I understand exactly where you are at and will definitely be praying for you.

  • totally me. i think i just needed someone else to say it first. so, thanks.

    My recent post sacred gifts

  • chris elrod

    Lindsey, this is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. I quote it to myself often. Thanks for being honest. See you at tonight for Mexican!

  • I'm raising both my hands…not in worship…and finding out that as I look around, I'm not alone. Many times I feel like I'm standing with arms wrapped securely around myself and my heart has been abandoned (to totally skewer the song lyrics). This is something that I struggle with on an almost daily – okay, it IS daily – basis. Good to know I'm not alone.
    My recent post Reverse Identity Theft

  • I am not sick, but I am tired and worn out. I just took my first vacation in 10 years that wasn't to a family member's home and it was wonderful. For 3 days I was on the gulf coast of Texas and despite post hurricane wind & rain storms, I went in the water just to feel the waves crash into me. I then spent a week at my parents' house for the rest of my vacation time

    It was nice, but I came back to total chaos at work. It is really hard to hold on to the calm I found when everyone else is vibrating with stress & tension. I feel bad that I have pulled back from so much because I really love my friends, but in order to stay centered I have to have down time to just pray, journal, meditate and be alone with God.
    My recent post Im not Superwoman

  • thegypsymama

    I just love your honest heart Linds. And I think after all the travel you've been through and all the people you connect with, it makes sense to run out of steam at some point! Hang in there friend. I hope there is some good soup in your future!

    My recent post Once a sweet tooth- always a sweet tooth

  • Love that idea. Let's do it. Praying for you right now then I'll start praying for everything.

  • I've been to conferences and services where I felt exactly the same way. It happens. This year was actually a real encouraging and uplifting Catalyst for me…where it hit me was when I got home. It's easy for discouragement to set in when there's not 13,000 people around you worshipping God or dynamic leaders challenging you from the stage.

    Just this morning as a matter of fact Lisa and I had to take some time after we got the kids on the bus to pray for each other. Those verses ring true for us as well. Be encouraged and know we're praying for you too.
    My recent post Oh No They Didn’t!

  • Oh yes, I am definitely battling this sort of thing – and have been for a long time! Thank you for posting this, and the reminder of praying for peace for the situation. I guess maybe I've been going along for some time, mulling over my feelings, thoughts, etc. and wallowing in self pity (or something of the sort), instead of praying about it. Time to take it to the Lord, in prayer!
    My recent post Its Canadian Thanksgiving

  • Praying for you Lindsey. I have felt the same way over the past weeks. God is changing me in so many ways yet I’m feeling so attacked and feel like I’m on an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. I’ve never been a fan of roller coasters. But I know I have to keep praying and that peace will come. Will be praying you get rest and are able to find that peace.

  • elizajanehuie

    God doesn't traffic in pretense and showy superficialism but it reality. Thanks for being real. Psalm 27:7-9

  • Not to be cliche or anything, but hang in there and I'll be praying for you.

    I've kind of felt in an odd funk the last couple of weeks despite that life has been pretty good lately. My MBA studies are going well, my rotational assignment at work was extended, my wife & I started Dave Ramsey's financial study to get on track and I recently spent the weekend with my little brother for some quality bro time.

    Yet I still feel empty, drained and beat-down like you mention above. Almost like a sense of apathy is creeping in where joy & passion used to reign. Maybe I'm just tired and 3 years of sleep deprivation has finally caught up with me.
    My recent post Pathfinder vs Trailblazer

    • I think lack of sleep has more to do with it than I'd like to admit.

  • Brandon Hackett

    Lindsey – thank you for being honest. I know that it’s not easy to to stand up and say that this is what is going on in your heart when the “expected” response is that you are great, that you are on the mountain-top.

    Know that I will be praying for you…that, for a time, you would be able to push all of what you have been bombarded with back and focus on the Father’s love for you. To sit in quiet (inside and out) and hear the truth that He is speaking into and over you.

  • Ashley Williams

    Amen sister. I feel you. Praying.

  • Love, love, love your post, Lindsey. Thanks for being so honest. We need more people who are willing to be authentic and lay it out there. I have struggled with the same feelings many (read MANY) times. I wrote a post on living in/ through "Saturdays". You can find it at

  • "fill your minds with beauty and with truth"

    I love that. I can definitely relate. Praying for you Lindsey.

  • Vicki Small

    Not battling it right now, but I have in the past. Try a Compassion Advocates Network conference; it's smaller than Catalyst, by far, but no less enthusiastic, inspiring and inspired, uplifting, heart-breaking, with plenty of humor thrown in. And there I sat, feeling guilty because I wasn't responding as I always had, before. And I wasn't sick. It's not a fun time, but cut yourself some slack and accept some grace from the One who is full of grace and glory.
    My recent post Trusting God with Reality

  • NicoleUnice

    Lindsey, I feel you. I feel like a bit of a downer when I don't say "AMAZING" when people asked me about Catalyst. The truth is, my own crap gets in the way, and I see a teeny sliver of someone's life and think "I want that." Now that I'm back in my own routine, I realize how easy it is to compare and get insecure and anxious and resentful for me in situations like that. My saving grace has been the four or so great conversations I had over the conference…those are sustaining me.
    My recent post Catalyst- Beth Moore

    • It's sad because I know that the conference was amazing…it's me that is a mess. You know?

  • KaylaFinley

    Heck freakin' yes. I'm trying to get through law school sicker than I've been in a while, and I feel as if I'm being left behind. I'm in my first semester, and that's bad enough! I totally understand, and I really have been convicted to pray more about it. Ahh, confirmation.

  • Oh, I've been there. Sometimes my expectations get the best of me. Prayer is the best place to start- I pray that God will meet you where you are and that you will be refreshed.
    My recent post Finding Community

  • Your honesty is your courage, Lindsey, and courage is kin to humility.

    Your bravery makes us all brave.

    I can’t tell you enough how I respect you.

  • I felt the same way… distracted, lonely, frustrated.
    My recent post Haitian Earthquake Brings Two Unlikely Churches Together

  • juliebmack

    I love your honesty. I am sorry you felt the way you felt, but I know we have all been there. Sometimes, there are just hard days, or even hard seasons when hope seems miles away from out heart. Great reminder in the verses you added.
    My recent post Life Tells Us That All We Have is Today