I Miss Me

It’s Tuesday night. If you follow me on twitter, you probably know that Tuesdays are one of the highlights of my week. Because Tuesdays mean Mexican food with the Franklin “Campus.” And so Tuesdays mean good food and drink with a heaping side of a great conversation with some of most life-giving people I know.

That’s why I was surprised to find myself crying. All the way home.

It wasn’t anything anyone did or said. And it wasn’t anything anyone didn’t do or didn’t say. Really, it wasn’t.

It was me. Or the lack of me. That had me in tears.

My easy affection and dependable laughter stolen and replaced with all I could muster…forced smiles and stiffled answers.

And I realized, I miss me.

For the last month or so, I have felt like a shell of myself, going through the motions, doing my best to get through the day, putting one front in front of the other.

So maybe its natural that on nights, like tonight, I might miss me.

I can’t help but wonder if others miss me too?

I can’t help but wonder if I will find myself again soon?

I can’t help but wonder if the me that is found will at all resemble the me that has gone missing?

And I can’t help but wonder have you ever missed you before?

 

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Lindsey has a sincere love for her precious dogs Molly and Maisy, a good red wine and the Delta Sky Club. She spends her days (and some nights) laboring to end childhood hunger at Feed the Children and to gather, equip and unleash women at IF:Gathering.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Lynse Leanne

    I totally understand. I miss me too. This past year has probably been the hardest year in a long time and I seemed to have lost me in it because of attitudes, hurts and loneliness. Thanks for sharing. Seriously, I felt alone. 😉

    • You are not alone. Wish we could eat Zoe’s and commiserate. 🙂

      • Lynse Leanne

        sigh. If only. When we come to see family after the baby we will probably fly through Nashville…there is hope.

  • Yes, I miss you! Thanks for this heart-felt post. I love your honesty.

    • I miss you too. This week has been especially tough. So appreciate you and Gail and everything you guys do, and have done, for me.

      • You are on the edge of something great, Lindsey. This is how I always feel in the in-between places. Hang in there.

        • I realize your comment was for Lindsey, but man that hit me (and hopefully Lindsey, too). “You’re on the edge of something great….this is how I always feel in the in-between places.” That carries some significantly beautiful weight right now, and hope. Thanks Mike.

        • Mike, I agree with Kevin…that’s a gold nugget.

        • Carol York

          My whole family is in-between right now, so this was really significant to me as well. I find myself weeping at the oddest moments, and it’s because I miss who we were before. But I’m making myself trust that what God has in store for us next is so great that I won’t even remember before.

  • Amanda

    Do you have Streams in the Desert? If not, I’m thinking you might love it.

    • No, I will find a copy. Thanks…

      • I won’t tell you the whole story here but that book (and the CD that came with it) was very, very significant for me at a time when I desperately needed it.

        • I bought it on Amazon last night. Really looking forward to reading it and hearing the whole story at some point 🙂

    • No, I will find a copy. Thanks…

  • Veronica

    For the past several years I have searched for the old “me”. I totally feel ur pain and understand where u r. All I can do is to take one day at a time. Or sometimes one moment at a time 😉 hang in there sweetie!

  • Anonymous

    Oh, man, have I been there. When I try to explain it to my friends, I always use the T.S. Elliott poem, Hollow Men, and they act like they know what I’m talking about. Not because they’re not sympathetic, but I don’t know that they know who T.S. Elliott is 😉

    The lessons I learned during the dark years, as I “affectionately” refer to them as, are priceless. I lost who I was and who God wanted me to be, but now I’m rediscovering this person that I had no idea was hiding inside of me. This rediscovery of the “new” me is exciting and fulfilling, learning just who God wants me to be.

    I know you have no idea who I am, and I just have stumbled along your blog through a series of links in the last few months, but just know that I’ve been there. I’m praying for strength and courage every day to just take another step because sometimes that’s the hardest part. When this season is over, you’ll look back and see how He was bringing you through. You’ll understand parts and not understand other parts. But He’s good. And He’s with you. And that’s the best part.

  • Hi Lindsey, I just started following your blog, so, its nice to “meet you”. Even though you miss you, I feel like your honesty introduced me to you. I’ve been missing myself for sometime. Thanks for giving words to the feeling, at least that is a starting point. Here’s hoping for some new discoveries and introductions to ourselves.

  • Loswhit

    I miss me so bad right now it hurts.
    I hate it.

  • Natasha

    I have been considerably depressed for over a year now. I would miss ‘me’ more if I could better remember the me I was B.D. *
    But feeling “like a shell of myself”- yeah I get that.

    *(before depression)

  • I don’t know what it is, but lately all of your blog posts have been describing my exact state. Are these things just common? It doesn’t feel common.

    Lately I’ve missed me a lot. I find myself muttering more expletives instead of joy and listening to different kinds of music and smiling a lot less. I miss me a lot, but I don’t know how to get me back.

    • If you read the comments you’ll find it is way more common than you’d think. At least that’s what I found out. 🙂

  • oh my, yes. I was just thinking the other day that I miss me, and wondering where I went, and when I’d be coming back, and what things I should be doing to hasten my own return. (And that is perhaps the oddest sentence I’ve ever written!)

    I’ve been having regular conversations with a friend, and with a counselor about my own missing state. they seem to help somehow, to assure me that I will return.

    in the meantime, oh my yes, I miss me.

  • I have been there Lindsey, it was not a fun time but on the other side I came out a better person. Journalizing and going to a councilor really helped me get through it. Praying for you.

  • yep….i miss me. i miss the carefree, the hope that came easily, the trust, the joy. mostly i just wrestle with it all and wrestle with god lately. catching a glimpse every once in a while is both a ohhhhh there it is moment and a sigh why can’t i have that more often.

  • Anonymous

    A few weeks ago, I sat down and played the piano for a few minutes. And I was surprised to find myself crying! I realized eventually that it was the same thing – I missed me. The me that played, because that used to be a huge part of my life and now it’s…nothing. It made me really sad!

    I also remember a couple interviews I’ve had where I felt so completely RIGHT and at home and MYSELF. Both took place while I was working somewhere else that was not a good fit and where I wasn’t really allowed to be ME. I missed me then, too.

  • Kristenwelch

    I get this. I told someone yesterday I don’t even know how to be carefree anymore…to really laugh. I miss it. Me. And I know part of this is a season. Part of it is a new normal. I’m finding that the old me is gone and all I’m left is a new me. We are trying to get to know each other.

    • Kristen- you don’t know me, but I follow your blog… I was going to comment to Lindsey that she sounds like you… like you both realize there’s much more to life. I’m grateful to you both for sharing your journeys.

    • Maybe we can figure this out, and all the worlds problems, in Louisville 🙂 I think (90% sure) I’m in. I will let you know for sure by Friday.

  • LesaKMelchor

    Hi Lindsey –

    Thank you for your honest post. I’ve gone through those seasons a few times in my life and, for me, the aggravating part of it was not understanding why. I’m in one of those right now myself. Everything is changing and I’m hanging on for dear life!! If God brings you there, you will carry you through it! 🙂

    One thing that God taught me many years ago during a particularly unsettling time was what I call, Divine Dissatisfaction. For me, (might not be the same for you) when things get strange, nothing makes me happy, or I just feel lost or unsettled inside – most of the time it was God preparing me for a move or a change. He allowed me to get ‘divinely dissatisfied’ with whatever it is that He wanted to change in me. He’s done it concerning jobs, dreams, and even areas of healing He wanted to walk me through. That divine dissatisfaction caused me to seek – and through that seeking, I found the new place He desired for me. And most of all, I found HIM in a new way!

    I’m praying for you during this time. I’m still sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet and talk to you on the cruise. But, I do remember your laughter and beautiful smile; you’re still in there. I can’t wait to hear what God does through this season!

    Blessings to you,

    Lesa

    • Lesa,
      Wow…divine dissatisfaction is a great term for it. I too wish we’d had time to connect on the cruise.

  • Reese

    Awe, Lindsey. I am standing in the gap with you. Praying.

    xo.
    Reese

  • Allison Rivers

    Oh gosh…all the time. I know exactly what you mean. 🙁

  • know exactly what you mean lindsey. i’ve missed me often the past couple of weeks. particularly one sunday night a few weeks ago. i don’t know where i went, but i went somewhere. thankfully i came back.

    praying dear.

    and to answer your questions, yes. others do miss you. whether they say it or not. they couldn’t help but miss you.

  • I really should be walking over to my staff meeting right now, but all I can do is think of you.

    I’ve been where you are. And if other people are honest, they have too. We all have. You’re normal.

    I want to be all AnnVoskamp right now and churn butter and pour sweet holiness on you. But I’m not that deep. Just think of this as a new phase of puberty. You know, like changes and aches and longings that will all make sense in the future.

    I love you. And all your changes.

    • My pre-pubescent self and my post-pubescent self love you too.

    • drgtjustwondering.blogspot.com

      This made me smile a little, I’ll admit it. Please don’t ‘want to be all AnnVoskamp’ – there’s only one of her and that’s just fine. She would likely tell you the exact same thing. And it has nothing to do with how ‘deep’ you are – it has to do with YOU, whoever you are – you are the one and only. What Lindsey is describing is a really difficult and a really important part of life. And it happens to all of us, even those of us who are WAY past this age demographic. God is working in you, helping you to shift things inside a bit here and there, to re-discover the real, true you, the one God is forming in a wholly unique and yet distinctively Jesus-kind of way. Any time of transition or grief/loss or questions-pushing-your-faith-to-a-deeper-place is a ripe time for this sense of lostness. Your commenters are right on target – this restless, unsettled, sort of amorphous grief at losing yourself is often a time in which God can do a new and wonderful thing in you. So hang in and hang on – you’ve got a great group of friends around you and that’s more than half the battle. Blessings all round.

    • I love that… pre-pubescent self… That totally describes times like these (and Lindsey, my comment below was going to be I miss me too – so I totally know where you’re at). Seeing as though I survived puberty and all its unknowns and have lived through other pre-pubescent, dark/silent, times, I know I’ll live through this one too. God’s got something pretty special on the other side. (For you, and for me :)) Praying for you

  • Anonymous

    Hey Lindsey, I don’t know you really well, but I know the place of which you speak. It’s often ironic that when we are in a place of giving so much of our selves to a cause or a dream, we lose our self in the process. Our focus seems to be of the doing, and doing, and doing… instead of the being. You’re traveling, representing, networking, and giving all the time. You have to be “ON” everywhere you go. If I could encourage you in anything, it would be these two things:

    1. MAKE TIME FOR WHAT MAKES YOU YOU – visit an art gallery, see a movie alone, play an instrument, sit in an expensive hotel lobby and read a good book, see a play or musical, take a language class… whatever makes you feel alive. No performing, no requirements, no restrictions, no having to be “on” for anyone. You can simply be you.

    2. YOUR ROOTS ARE GOING DEEPER – These times are that which keep you grounded. You’re heart is not allowing you to get lost in the hype or chaos. Your heart is reminding you of your values, principles, and realities. As you grow in this area, your authenticity and humility grow too. This is a REALLY GOOD place… even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

    Praying and cheering you on from Huntsville… seeing a more accurate you.

  • Mattysixstrings

    I miss me too..I am standing with you and praying for you!!

  • Lindsey,

    Wow…so good. Thanks for your honesty. I’ve certainly been where you’re describing. You put words to it so well.

    The unease is a signal, it’s a signal that you’re on the edge of something amazing.

    I love the way Mike put it…it’s the feeling of the in between places.

    • Maybe I need to come to Colorado and figure it all out? 🙂

      • Absolutely. Amy and I would love to have you.

  • Completely. Absolutely. I’m totally with you. And, I’m finding through different conversations I have with people of our age/generation, this seems to be what the norm is right now. And I’m not sure what all the reasons are. However, there seems to be an overwhelming sense of “restless” going on across the board.

  • You know, I’m going through a bit of the opposite. I don’t know who I am, never really have. I’ve walked through life being “told” who and what I am by different people in different seasons of hurt and betrayal and pain.

    In a lot of ways, this move my family is about to make is terrifying. But I am most looking forward to being gone from environments that tell me I am not really worthy, loved, redeemed. I’m looking forward to being free…to finally having the air and the space and the grace to find “me.”

    Will be praying for you and your precious heart! Sometimes that shell is needed to provide some much needed retreat into the comfort of our Father’s arms…

  • Anonymous

    Wow Lindsey, that is really transparent. Thanks for sharing with us. I can relate with you this last week or so, I have felt out of sorts myself.

    I do hope that you get yourself back. I have kind of noticed that I haven’t seen as many things from you, but since I don’t check twitter as often and my blog reading has been more of scanning lately, I figured that it was timing.

  • Lindsey, praying for you. I miss “me” too. It’s such a hard feeling sometimes, that sort of missing. Thankful that you are beloved and dearly loved too by so many, as you walk through this season of your life. Hugs from Columbus, OH!

  • I get this. I’m sorry you’re feeling it too. 🙁 Praying for you, Lindsey. {really, I mean that, not in the fake way}

  • i so get this, lind’z. i haven’t felt like “me” in a very long time now. so long i’m starting to think that “me” is gone for good. i don’t like the “me” that’s here now though, so something’s gotta give…

    for what it’s worth… i miss YOU. so much.

  • I’ve definitely been there before – and for long, extended periods of time. It is hard to find peace, rest, and joy in those moments. But they do pass. And my experience is when I find myself again, there is a deeper, richer, truer joy born out of Him than there was before. We are being transformed from one degree of glory to another, conformed into His image and likeness. Shedding layers of me-ness and becoming more like Him. It is good.

  • Jessica

    awesome post girl! I would say i can relate!. Cant wait to hang more soon!

  • Ted Grider

    At times, I have listened to the Michael W Smith song “Missing Person” and realized that often times, I do “miss” myself. I miss being who God has called me to be. Whether we like it or not, coming “back to ourselves” involves both God’s grace and change on our part.

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