A couple of years ago {it’s hard to believe I have been blogging long enough that I can refer to a post that I wrote a couple of years ago}, I wrote a post asking readers their thoughts on online dating. I loved hearing peoples’ opinions. They were fascinating. They were informative. But most of all they were encouraging.

And so a few months later, I decided to try to have an open mind and put myself ‘out there.’ But as quickly as I dipped my toe in the online dating pool, I decided that I wasn’t ready. I had great reasons. My life was full. My heart was otherwise engaged. And it felt truly UNCOMFORTABLE.

Online dating was something I hoped, prayed, and pleaded that I would never have to revisit. But here I am, 35-and-single and living in a town where I can count the single guys that I know on my right hand AND where I have a friend {Bianca Juarez Olthoff} who isn’t ready to let me give up on my heart’s desires. {Truth be told the second factor weighs much more heavily than the first.}

So, with some {okay, with A LOT of} poking and prodding, I have taken the plunge and now officially have a profile on one of those wacky internet dating sites. {Note: I can’t really say that I created an online profile, Bianca did most of the heavy lifting while I entertained myself with snarky commentary and an ice cold beer.}

I am trying to keep an open mind about the whole thing but right now I still am struggling with the general uncomfortable-ness of reviewing awkward pictures and clumsily edited profiles of potential suitors. So I find myself reluctantly browsing but fervently praying that I’ll stumble upon my ‘dream dude’ in some old-fashioned ‘normal’ way. {Maybe like the way I met one of my college boyfriends? With him dousing a Naty Light on me at a frat party. True story folks. True story. Not my best day but yet it provides stellar blog fodder.}

Here is where you provide any advice, commentary, testimonials, or funny stories in regard to online dating. Do share. I’m all ears. 

I have learned one thing over the last year. (Well, I’ve probably learned more than one thing but I am only going to share one thing now.)

It is my responsibility to draw healthy boundaries with the people in my life.

I can’t delegate that responsibility to anyone else. And I can’t depend on the other half of my dysfunctional friendship to draw appropriate boundaries. Drawing healthy boundaries in MY life is MY job.

If there is no fence, or any semblance of a border, around a large open space, I can’t blame a weary wanderer for trespassing. And if there aren’t established boundaries in my relationships, I can’t blame a seemingly codependent friend for overstepping confines that have never been established.

So, this is me, taking the initiative and drawing healthy boundaries in my relationships. And if anyone neglects them, then we are going to have a talk, and if they still can’t come to embrace my need for these boundaries, then I think we’ll all be better off rethinking this ‘friendship.’

Do you draw healthy boundaries for the relationships in your life? Or do you wait for someone to go a step too far and then get agitated, frustrated, and all out of sorts? 

Before Christmas, Jimmy Kimmel did something some might call cruel. He asked parents to give their children ‘terrible’ Christmas presents and to capture  their reaction, their disappointment, and occasionally their anger, on video. Personally, I think that the videos that ensued were hilarious. (But then again I’m not going to be the one paying for these kid’s therapy down the road.) And…there is something beautiful about these kid’s raw and honest reactions. They haven’t learned to feign gratitude. They call a spade, a spade. They call a half-eaten sandwich, a half-eaten sandwich. (Warning: One of the boys borders on inappropriate.)

I see myself in those kids. Especially the little girl who is trying to get to the bottom of why her mother would wrap up a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich and call it a gift. She isn’t trying to be high maintenance or particular. She doesn’t want to be disrespectful. She doesn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings. But clearly she just doesn’t get it and she can’t hide her questions, her disappointment, and her frustration.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I don’t want my disappointment to be misconstrued for lack of love, faith, or even trust. I don’t want to want what I don’t have.

I know that I have received gifts many people would die for. A great job. A welcoming community. A beautiful place to live. An opportunity to speak into the lives of others. But while they are more than I deserve, they aren’t what my heart so primally desires. And some days what my heart desires feels farther away than ever. To be known. To find a person to share my life with. To raise kids. To leave a legacy of love.

So here I sit, wrestling, negotiating, pleading. Wondering why He is withholding ‘the good stuff’? Wondering why the desire lies in waiting? And wondering why I can’t continue to feign gratitude about my ‘half-eaten sandwich’?

 What are you feigning gratitude about? What are you wrestling over? 

Can I be honest? Really honest?

If I had to use one word to describe my spiritual life right now I would use the word…begrudgingly.

I am following God…begrudgingly.

I am pursuing God…begrudgingly.

I am believing God is for me…begrudgingly.

My faith right now is envious. It is jealous. And it’s a little resentful.

My faith right now is reluctant. It is hesitant. And it’s a little averse.

I know. I know. Begrudingly is not the adverb that one wants to use when describing their spiritual journey. Heck, it’s certainly not the word I am chasing.

But maybe, just maybe, by shedding light on it, and calling a begrudge a begrudge, I can finally get to the bottom of what is going on with me and I can finally have an honest conversation with God.

What one word would you use to describe your spiritual journey right now? 

I lived in Nashville from August 2007 to August 2011. 4 years. I have been away since the end of August, when I abruptly moved to Southern California to work for Project 7. 4 months. And my trip back to ring in the New Years lasted from December 29 to January 2. 4 days. 

Let me go on record saying it is hard it is impossible to squeeze 4 years of friendships and 4 months of life lived apart into 4 days. 

As my Southwest flight traverses back across the country carrying me to my new-and-lovely but not-so-homey-as-Nashville home, I feel exhausted and energized, relationally blessed but emotionally drained, conflicted yet peaceful.

Here are 4 observations on my 4 years, 4 months and 4 days.

1.  I left an extraordinary community, an extraordinary life, behind when I left Nashville 4 months ago. There was quantity. There was depth. There was variety. There was familiarity. There was authenticity. And there was accountability. As I sat around the dinner table this week, as I lingered over lunch, and as I sipped on skinny vanilla lattes, it all came back. Just how blessed I am to have found people who loved me well for 4 years and continue for fight for me and my dreams.

2. In the midst of a major transition, it can be difficult remaining in today and being thankful and present to the here, and the now. Yep, it can be difficult, but it is also essential. As much as I loved being in Nashville for 4 years, as much as I loved being there for the last 4 days, my here-and-now is in Southern California. And my heart, and my mind, and my hope, need to embrace that  sunny-and-70-degree reality.

3.  It takes time to build an abundant life in a new place. I have been extremely blessed in the 4 months that I have been living in Southern California. Friends have come out of the woodwork to walk alongside me, to break bread with me, and to pick me up from the airport. But I need to keep working towards, to keep investing in, building the type of community that I cherished in Nashville.

4. But mostly importantly I know this truth that I sang with tears streaming down my face Sunday morning at Cross Point. “I know my God made a way for me. It’s gonna be alright!” 

How did you ring in the New Year?