begrudgingly

Can I be honest? Really honest?

If I had to use one word to describe my spiritual life right now I would use the word…begrudgingly.

I am following God…begrudgingly.

I am pursuing God…begrudgingly.

I am believing God is for me…begrudgingly.

My faith right now is envious. It is jealous. And it’s a little resentful.

My faith right now is reluctant. It is hesitant. And it’s a little averse.

I know. I know. Begrudingly is not the adverb that one wants to use when describing their spiritual journey. Heck, it’s certainly not the word I am chasing.

But maybe, just maybe, by shedding light on it, and calling a begrudge a begrudge, I can finally get to the bottom of what is going on with me and I can finally have an honest conversation with God.

What one word would you use to describe your spiritual journey right now? 

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Print this pageEmail this to someoneShare on FacebookShare on Google+Share on LinkedInPin on PinterestShare on TumblrTweet about this on Twitter

Lindsey has a sincere love for her precious dogs Molly and Maisy, a good red wine and the Delta Sky Club. She spends her days (and some nights) laboring to end childhood hunger at Feed the Children and to gather, equip and unleash women at IF:Gathering.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Andrea B.

    No need to choose my own word, your words above spoke straight to my heart. Thanks for your transparency Lindsey.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks Andrea.

  • Ian

    Jesus loves vulnerability. Hang in there Lindsey – try to linger in His presence with your Bible open. Praying for you…

    • Anonymous

      I shall do so…begrudgingly 😉 Thanks Ian.

  • Cathe

    Ugh! That word describes how I feel too at the present moment. I feel as though I’m walking through the motions, but not believing it. Thanks for being candid and yes, I think just putting it out there begins the journey to Him in a new way… well at least that is what I have been trying to do. Praying for you.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks Cathe. Although I hate that you are feeling it to, it is nice to know that I’m not alone, or crazy!

  • I love how you are so honest here…I have a “keeping it real” post in my head that hopefully I can get written down before I try and pretend the struggles/what ifs/jealousy/guilt aren’t there. I actually read a book yesterday (most of it…I started it last week and couldn’t put it down) that brought me to tears, but did help me be more at peace with my faith…at least it felt like it while I read 😉 

    Have you read the “Mark of the Lion” trilogy by Francine Rivers? http://www.amazon.com/Mark-Lion-Voice-Wind-Darkness/dp/0842339523/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326165109&sr=8-1 I read the first book with my teenager foster daughter in the fall when her Morality class read it. The second book is the one I read this week/yesterday. It is fiction, but set in Ancient Rome when Christians (and Jews) were being persecuted. There was something about reading about a “character” who was so convicted in her beliefs even when faced with death for them that spoke to my heart and kept me reading quickly, even though it was a long book. The sins and temptations in “that world” aren’t so different from the ones in the world around us…

    Praying you find what you need to help you at this time. (And, if you or anyone has read/reads these books, I’m just about bursting wanting to talk about it…ha!)

    • Anonymous

      A friend and I were talking about that series last week. Ordering it next time I fire up my kindle. 🙂

      • Wow, what a “coincidence”…ha! Hope you fire up your kindle soon! I hope they speak to you as much as they spoke to me–the first book has a lot of questioning why God put the character in the position of teaching about Him when it seems others have stronger faith and the sinful world doesn’t seem to want to hear about Him anyway and the second book has a lot of one character’s journey to find the “Truth”…you’ll have to let me know!

        Also, I think you may be a “music person” too and I have really been touched by the songs on the “Music Inspired by The Story” CD http://www.amazon.com/Music-Inspired-Story-Various-Artists/dp/B005FQZMGQ (I actually bought it on iTunes) especially for those times when you don’t have time to sit and read, but want to be inspired by the faith filled people in the Bible 🙂

        Praying for you.

  • Sounds like a hero’s journey, one worth following. Also sounds like the ground is being tilled and fertilized and prepared. The process sucks but the results prove fruitful.

    • Anonymous

      Appreciate the encouragement. The process does suck. 

  • Half-hearted.  Leading worship half-heartedly.  Leading Bible study half-heartedly.  Doing my job half-heartedly.  It kind of feels like I’m on the outside looking in, wanting it so badly but having no idea how to get there.  Thanks for being honest.  Makes me take a long look at myself to try to figure out what’s going on.

    • Anonymous

      I have been there. Half-Heartedly.

  • ambivalent with a side of fear.  or maybe i choose ambivalence as way to avoid the fear.  crap.  who knows…

    • Anonymous

      Haha. I know how you feel about not knowing how you feel.

  • You hit the nail on the head for me. Begrudgingly is just the word I would use for mine as well. I don’t want to do the God, but deep down I know it is right. I know what I should be doing,but I have no desire to do it. 

    • Anonymous

      You too? Well at least we aren’t alone in it!

      • That is exactly how I felt when I read your post. I wonder if it is one of the phases of moving to a new place. 

  • Hmmm — I’d call it “waiting.” Waiting to hear from God.  Waiting to see Him work in my life again. Waiting for His hand to move.

  • Honestly….I’d call it missing.  My life  has become so overwhelmed with work and the busyness of life I need to send out a search party to find it again.

  • love this linds, and unfortunately ‘begrundingly’ seems to be a fitting adjective for my spiritual life, or just life in general right now for me as well.  another that comes to mind is {cringe} passive. 

    love you.

  • Messner Roger

    Forward.

    Granted not nec. in a straight line.

    But, always forward.

  • TMZ

    Cautiously. Though striving to live courageously as my “one word” for 2012.

  • Pain.

  • oo. i’ve been struggling with this, too, but haven’t said it out loud.

    thanks for calling it out.

    xo

  • Christ Centered Teaching

    Lindsey,
    I would describe you as honest and courageous!Please read “Love for God – The All Consuming Fire of the Courageous”We love Him because he first loved us. That is the flame that consumes all other passions.I wish for all to know this love that passes understanding.God bless