Arguing With A Dark Shadow

Posted By on Oct 28, 2012 in The Life I Live | 45 comments


Insecurity.

It crept back in. Slowly infiltrating my thoughts and stealing my joy.

“You are an outsider,”  it screams.

“You are unloved, inconsequentional, and uninvited,” it adds.

“If you don’t keep fighting, keep performing, keep overextending yourself, people will forget you,” it confirms my deepest fears.

I wrestle with the voices. Argue with this dark shadow of myself. Hate that I, at 36, can still possess these feelings…these adolescent feelings. And wonder how to banish them away again, for an eternity this time.

Have I not grown at all since those awkward years?

How can these age old lies still haunt me?

They aren’t lies aren’t they?!?

Please tell me THEY ARE LIES.

I look up.

I ask for God to give me peace.

I beg Him to remind me that His approval is all I need, to allow me to rest, and to give me the wisdom to discern the lies, the insecurity, the voices from His beautiful truth.

Please God let me rest in your love.

“The Lord your God is with you,
    he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
    he will quiet you with his love,
    he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

Quiet me with Your love.

Rejoice over me with singing.

Beautiful singing that will flush out the voices. The lies. The insecurity.

When was the last time you felt insecure? 

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  • http://www.about.me/christopherwparks Christopher W. Parks

    Just today. Thanks much for posting. I needed that verse today. God bless.

    • lindseynobles

      God bless you Christopher.

  • http://www.kylechowning.com/ Kyle Chowning

    Your honesty is refreshing. I can’t help but wonder, does the resurgence have anything to do with the panel you were just on this week?

    • lindseynobles

      It’s been a long week with a lot of focus on the things I have and the things I don’t. I definitely think that plays a part in it. Also, I’m still trying to figure out how to get settled back into Nashville and friendships while I’m travelling a ton.

  • http://twitter.com/cupojoegirl Eileen Knowles

    Beautiful. Yes, I’ve experienced those same feelings of insecurity. At 40, they are becoming less frequent…but still rear their ugly head sometimes. Always need to refocus myself on His Truth.

    • lindseynobles

      Thanks Eileen. It’s nice to know I’m not crazy but I hate how many of us struggle with this from time to time.

  • Kristi

    You are amazing and loved. And He loves you even more. He is using you in mighty ways. It was fun and a joy to see you and eat dinner!!

    • lindseynobles

      Thanks Kristi. So great catching up!

  • Allison

    Today. Even as I type this comment. I’m nauseated with my deep feelings of insecurity. I’m tired of how those feelings impact most of my relationships. I hate it about myself. It’s the hardest battle I face. I’m sorry you know this same ache. Praying for you.

    • lindseynobles

      Praying for you too!

  • Becky

    I’m going through a time of insecurity and doubt. Everyday I pray that God will remind me that I find my worth in Him alone. A friend of mine prayed those verses from Zephaniah over me many years ago and I constantly go back to them! Your blog post is very timely for me. Thank you for sharing!

    • lindseynobles

      Oh, if feelings were logical, how wonderful that would be. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lisajobaker Lisa-Jo Baker

    Leaning over. Sharing my coffee. Passing the french fries. Giving you a side hug. You belong, Lindsey.

    • lindseynobles

      What no chocolate? :)

      • http://www.kylechowning.com/ Kyle Chowning

        and only a side hug ;)

        • lindseynobles

          haha.

          • http://twitter.com/lisajobaker Lisa-Jo Baker

            Well played. Well played. Chocolate and full on smash up hugs. Done! Boom!

  • AnnieDowns

    Thanks for letting me be me. The good. The complaining. The loud laugh. All of it. Thanks for loving well even when fighting through feeling unloved.

    • lindseynobles

      You are loved. All of you.

  • http://www.leighkramer.com/ HopefulLeigh

    These feelings happen more often than I’d like to admit. But this weekend, when I thought for sure the insecurity would creep in? It didn’t happen, mostly because of time spent with friends. And that surely includes you.

    • lindseynobles

      Loved getting to know you better!

  • Sarah Markley

    I love you

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      Love you.

  • http://www.permissiontoperuse.com/ Amy Bennett

    Lindsey, I’m so glad you were there this weekend and we got to chat a bit. Completely relate to your post as insecurity was calling my name all weekend.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      Glad to know it wasn’t just me! You are wonderful. Loved meeting you.

  • http://twitter.com/NickiKoziarz Nicki Koziarz

    I love this post so much Lindsey. My daughter asked me the other day if grown women struggle with doubting themselves… I started to say it got easier as you grow up but then I realized it doesn’t. Your honesty is like a breath of fresh air today.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      Thanks Nicki.

  • http://twitter.com/ashleynwilliams ashley williams

    Feel this ALL THE TIME. Woof. I hate it.

    Love how that verse says, HE will take great delight in you. Isn’t that what we all want? So good. Thanks for sharing & once again being vulnerable.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      Yes. That’s what we all want.

  • http://twitter.com/lifefordessert Logan Wolfram

    You are amazing! And that verse from Zeph….one of my favs! And isn’t it the truth that insecurity creeps in everywhere when I forget to focus on the fact that when God looks at me, he sees Jesus….filling what otherwise would be a whole lot of holes in myself. So glad to have met you girl!

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      You too Logan! You are hilarious. And I love your boisterous joy. Look forward to staying in touch.

  • http://daughtersheart.wordpress.com AymieJoi

    I have felt insecure every day of my life for as long as I can remember. I know that until I fully, honestly and completely find my security in God’s love for me, I will continue to hear those same words that plague your heart. But it’s so hard to believe God loves me when His love is so abstract, and rejection from others is so concrete. Sometimes, one really does need tangible love…

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      I so get this. I am learning though that God’s love is not as abstract as I once thought.

  • Brandon Hackett

    Thanks for being real, Lindsey.

    I struggle with insecurity ALL the time and have for most of my life. I know it’s a question of who I’m drawing my worth from.

    “I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness.
    Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved”. Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.”
    ― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World

    I will be praying for you, that God’s truth would drown out all of the lies…and yes, they are lies.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      Love that Nouwen quote. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://kabarnes.wordpress.com/ Karen Barnes

    I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that we will always deal with these types of feelings. I’m relieved, as I get older, to know that others battle with them too. There’s comfort in knowing “it’s not just me”. It also helps me to keep in mind, in interactions with others, that everyone else is battling these feelings too. It helps me treat others as I would want to be treated. We’re all flawed humans that need grace (God’s & other people’s). Thanks for posting this!

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      It’s definitely not just you. :)

  • Alia_Joy

    Loved meeting you, Lindsey and yes, we all go there sometimes. I JUST wrote a post after Influence Conference about those same feelings and was determined to trust God for my identity at Allume. I felt loved and secure all weekend and I thank God for that because only in Him do I truly, always, forever, belong.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      Great meeting you. Love that you trusted God and felt secure all weekend!

  • http://www.marjoriepoff.com/ Marjorie Poff

    “The Lord rejoices over you with singing.” LOVE this! This month as I’ve been approaching the big 36, I’ve totally been giving into insecurity…comparing myself to who I think I should be and who others think I should be. Its so freeing to know that God rejoices over me…thanks for that reminder!

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.nobles Lindsey Nobles

      You are welcome!

  • Nancy

    Just last evening, I expressed those same words and feelings to someone. Thank you for being honest and transparent.

  • Kristen Michelle

    Wow, you nailed it! Thanks for helping me know that I’m not alone in my battle to live out the truth that I’m always secure in Christ.

  • http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/ rubberbacon

    It only takes one lousy meeting with my boss to set off days of frustration and insecurity. Well timed post Lindsey. Thanks for reminding us to look up for peace and security.

  • Rachelle

    I am in my 40′s and can still feel this! I feel so invisible to people sometimes. Zephaniah 3:17 is my verse. God has sent it to me over and over so imagine my delight in finding it here. Thanks for sharing. :)