I tend to be a control freak. (more control than freak hopefully)

Although I’ve always longed to be seen as carefree, spontaneous, even happy-go-lucky, I am more aptly described as responsible, steady, even predictable. Nothing scares me more than losing my sense of composure.

So it makes it quite interesting when I do things that force a loss of control like taking anesthesia.

I have only had a few small surgeries where general anesthesia was required but each time it has made me crazy. From when the IV is administered until I am “out” there is this gap of time where I wanted to control the process of losing control.

I still feel the same. Is this working?

This better be working because I don’t do pain well. At all.

Am I making sense?

Will I remember this moment? What about this one? And this one? And this one?

Suddenly the meds kick in and the next thing I know, I awake on “the other side” groggy yet mended, wondering what exactly I had missed.

If I am honest this is how I feel about my impending trip to Guatemala in two weeks with Compassion International. (Can we talk about how crazy that it is only 14 days away?)

I know that I am going to be changed. I know that seeing poverty firsthand and God at work is going to do a number on me. But I am fighting with every fiber of my being to limit the experience, to predict how I will feel, to know what God will say to me, and to control how I will respond.

And so this song by Hillsong United has become my prayer:

Take my life I lay it down
At the cross where I am found
All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand
Arms open wide
Oh I am Yours
And You are mine

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You oh God

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way (Arms Open Wide)

Do you struggle with control? Will you take a minute to pray that I will be willing to let go and give up control?

Six months ago, I wrote a post stating that I wanted to get my hands dirty.

(Interesting to note that I also wrote posts about other big hairy audacious goals like getting married and having kids. And unfortunately I’ve got nothing to report in either area. NOTHING.)

In the post I said,

It is easy for me to dream of changing the world from the comfort of my living room couch but I lately I have felt called to do more. I want to go to the ends of the earth. And I want to get my hands a little dirty.

And I referenced a quote by Jimmy Carter,

My faith demands -this is not optional-my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I can, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.

So for the last six months, I have been more intentional about finding time to serve. Serve by doing whatever, wherever, whenever.

I have sought out opportunities to pitch in locally. I have become a ‘”lunch buddy” to the-cutest-kindergartner-ever through Preston Taylor Ministries and taken advantage of a handful of serving opportunities at Cross Point.

I even investigated a few opportunities to serve internationally but nothing really was coming together, that is, until last week.

Last week Shaun Groves reached out about the possibility of me joining him, Keely Scott and a team of bloggers in Guatemala in September. Without a moment’s hesitation, I agreed.

This was the opportunity I had been waiting for, the opportunity I had been praying about, the opportunity to get more intimately involved with an organization I am passionate about. My faith was demanding that I say yes. My faith was demanding that I go.

But between you and me, I am more than a little shocked that He is enlisting my help, that He is entrusting me with this opportunity.

Acutely aware of my insecurities and fear, I find myself running to Him for strength. And in a moment of clarity come to realize that this trip is not just about what He can do through me. This trip is also about what He will do in me.

Would you be willing to pray for me, for our team? Pray that over the next few months God would begin to prepare our hearts and our minds for the trip?

And bloggers, would you be willing to help spread the word by adding a little Compassion Bloggers banner to your site? Details here.

Yesterday I completed the Country Music Half Marathon. To be perfectly honest, I have been ACTIVELY DREADING the race for a couple of weeks. Mostly because I over-committed myself and I was straight-up freaked out about how I was going to feel as I tried to conquer the mountainous (okay, that might be a slight exaggeration) race course. But also because I really didn’t want to leave all the fabulous friends I made in California.

Suprisingly, the race was good. Really good. About mile 3, I lost my running buddies and was aptly reminded that this race was not about distractions, not about who I was running with, not about who was cheering me on…but about me and Him.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

I didn’t push myself because I was operating on little-to-no sleep, but still I finished the race in under 3 hours (2:56 with a bathroom break to be exact). More importantly, I raised over $1,000 for New Hope Academy. (A special thanks to each of you who contributed.)

Mission Accomplished. Today I will celebrate in those victories. Tomorrow I will start packing for Chicago…

What victories have you celebrated lately?

Powered by Hope

On Saturday, April 24, I will be running (actually it will be more of a jog/walk combo per the Galloway method but who cares about the specifics) the Country Music Half Marathon.

This is not my first half marathon and hopefully it will not be my last, but it is important nonetheless. This year I am running with “Powered by Hope” on behalf of New Hope Academy.

If you have never heard of New Hope Academy, let me take this opportunity to introduce to this incredible place.

New Hope Academy is like NO OTHER school I have stepped inside. (more…)

Disclaimer: If you wanted something light and fluffy today, this post is not for you. But you can go here where we are discussing “guilty pleasures.”

Disclaimer 2: If you wanted something that was poignant and tied up with a pretty bow, this post this blog is not for you. But you can go here where I at least make a concise point.

Most of the time my thoughts are linear. You know the kind? A + B = C?

But everyone once in awhile when something big happens my brain just gets stuck, stuck in a circle. And I keep processing the same thoughts over and over, and over. I just can’t seem to make sense of them. I just can’t come to any kind of definitive conclusion.

And, as you can imagine, the “thought death-spiral” is quite frustrating. It halts productivity. It drains energy. (more…)

This is the third post in my “Drafting Blueprints” series. The series is prompting me to think through what I want to do with my life as a first step for creating a life plan. I have already tackled getting married and getting fit.

So here we go, Part 3…I want to get my hands dirty.

It is easy for me to dream of changing the world from the comfort of my living room couch but I lately I have felt called to do more. I want to go to the ends of the earth. And I want to get my hands a little dirty. (more…)

This is the second post in my “Drafting Blueprints” series. Basically this series in an excuse for me to think through what I want my life to look like, who I want to be, so that I can begin compiling a life plan.

In the first post, I admitted I want to get married. So today I thought I’d tackle something a little less, how do I say it, well a little less humiliating. (Kidding. Kidding. In all honesty putting the whole marriage thing out there was so worth it. You guys were incredibly supportive and encouraging.)

I want to get fit. (more…)

As I said, Catalyst overwhelmed. The whole conference was amazing. But for me, one moment stood out. One moment broke my heart. And thankfully they caught it on video. So grab some kleenex, set aside eighteen minutes, and watch this. I promise you will be glad you did.

Catalyst 2009 Compassion Moment from Catalyst on Vimeo.

Something about Jimmy’s story broke my heart. But it broke my heart in a good way. Is that possible? Because Jimmy’s story reminded me that I can make a difference, I can help put an end to poverty in the world. But I need to DO SOMETHING.

I am still processing through the moment Catalyst so beautifully captured, still processing how I can make a difference in the lives of the children I sponsor through Compassion and WorldVision, and still processing what I should do with the knowledge and understanding that there are 143 MILLION ORPHANS in the world.

What did you learn from Jimmy’s story?

Have you ever broken a record before? Seriously a legitimate record? I break silly records all the time: most hours spent on the couch, number of tweets in a fifteen minute period, times using the word “hilarious” in a conversation. (I annoy myself with how much I use the word “hilarious” but I just can’t seem to stop.) But I don’t know if I have ever broken a legitimate record. Until this weekend.

This weekend at the Women of Faith conference in Dallas, Texas, I was a part of something pretty amazing. I helped break a record. And not just some stupid record, but one that I can be proud of.

We (that is me and the other 15,999 attendees of the conference) broke the record for the for the most WorldVision children sponsored at a Women of Faith Conference EVER. Over 1,500 kids were sponsored. Over 1,500 lives were changed.

I sponsored a little girl named Workezeb from Ethiopia. (more…)

Have you ever sat in church and felt like your pastor, priest, or minister is speaking directly to you? Or actually that God is screaming at the top of His lungs at you through your pastor, priest, or minister? And instantly a gut-wrenching conviction bombards your soul. Unfortunately, I know this feeling all too well. Selfishly I so wish I could sit through just one message and think, “I am so on top of this, God. I’ve already got this one covered.” But somehow I doubt I will ever get there.

Last Sunday at Cross Point, Pete encouraged us to take a moment and ask God if there was something, anything, He was asking us to do that we were neglecting. Painful question, right? Because of course, several things came to mind. Several things that I knew God was calling me to take care of and I was avoiding. Or maybe I wasn’t completely avoiding them, but I wasn’t quite doing them either. Several things God was asking me to change, but candidly I was still trying to negotiate the deal with God (But I guess that is not really how it works?) (more…)