Today’s post is from Bianca Juarez Olthoff. ‘B’ works for The A21 Campaign as the Chief Storyteller. And she is believes in me, and my dreams, even when I can’t believe in them myself. Bianca dreams and she dreams big.  I am immensely thankful Bianca and her husband Matt and how they have welcomed me into their life and their family. 

Read Bianca’s blog here. 

Follow her on twitter here.

In a pivotal moment of life, I had the opportunity to connect with a brilliant man who challenged my dreams, my aspirations, but more importantly, my fear. It went a little something like…

Me: I want to do [______________] and I can’t.

Him: What’s stopping you from doing it?

Me: I don’t know. I can’t explain it…

Him: I don’t know you well, but I can tell you know what it is. And I’m pushing you to articulate what’s holding you back.

Me: Okay, okay. I’m… I’m so… fearful.

Him: You’re fearful of being fearful?

Me: Yes.

Him: What’s the worst possible thing that could happen? What’s the worst case scenario? Lay it on me!

Me: I’m fearful of the consequences of following my heart and failing. I fear losing money on empty pipe dreams. I fear poverty. I fear inability to change what everyone seems to believe cannot. I fear failure and embarrassment and humiliation. I fear being a neglectful wife and poor step-mother and failing homemaker. I fear dreaming so big that I’m lost in the orbit of a universe outside of our galaxy… floating past the point of no return where I can’t come back and live a life I once did. But most of all, I fear the audacity of believing I can change the world and feeling ridiculous for believing I can.

Him: If all those things happen, are you still alive? Can you still dream? Will your family still love you? With all due respect Bianca, I don’t think your fear is of failure. No, your greatest fear is that you will succeed. And you don’t know what to do with that.

In pursuing the calling God puts in our life, what can fear kill? Everything. Fear will inhibit and thwart us from being the person we sense in our hearts we truly are. The one who is talented and compassionate and gifted. The one who is smart and logical and able. The one who is called and predestined and confirmed.

Me: What are you dreaming of? What is stopping you?

You: _______________ 

Gosh, sorry I haven’t written since the big news. I meant to, but time has sort of escaped me.

How have I been doing???

Well, I have been a tad overwhelmed.

The logistics of moving to California are far more complicated than I imagined.  Figuring out where to live and how to get my self, my belongings and my car from Nashville to Orange County has been pretty much all consuming. Not to mention the plotting of a lot difficult goodbyes.

And, for the better part of last week I was gripped with fear.

Can I really do this? What was I thinking? Moving to Southern California…the land of earthquakes and Real Housewives?  Who am I? Without Nashville, my friends, my church, and my dog? {Yeah, I came to the brutal decision to send Molly to reside in Texas with my parents than force her to accompany me as I get settled. Brutal.}

But…things are looking up.

I am feeling more cool, calm, and collected as the plan begins coming together. And I know this sounds corny and perhaps a little hyper-spiritual but Sunday as I sat in church I couldn’t miss the little confirmations, the gifts of reassurance, from God that this is the right move. And that I am not taking this leap alone.

From the gripping lyrics of Healer, “Nothing is impossible with You. You hold my world in Your hands.” To Pete Wilson’s poignant message about what being radically devoted to Christ looks like. To watching the waves crash on a rocky beach as Merlyn Catron sang, “Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay. When you move, I’ll move. I will follow you.” To the perfectly timed text message from Tyler Merrick nudging the Project 7 team to, “Look for His details in the tapestry of your life today and this week.”

He won’t let me endeavor to think I am taking this leap alone.

Praise. The. Lord.

Enough about me. Has He sent you any gifts of reassurance lately?

If you were truly FEARLESS, what is ONE THING you would commit to DOING right now?

Skydive?

Break a habit?

Tell someone how you really feel?

Step into the spotlight?

Run a marathon?

Change careers?

Give a long overdue apology?

Say goodbye to a friend that is stunting your growth?

Adopt a child?

Looking at this short list, I am amazed by how my fear has limited me, how my fear has held me back. Ugh.

So last week, I wrote about never having a clue what I wanted to be when I grew up. As I finished that post and replied to some of your comments, I realized I had only really told half of the story, the easy half.

The more difficult half of the story is WHY I have never wanted to define my future. To answer that question I have to dig a lot deeper.

I guess it all boils down to FEAR. I am afraid of sharing my deepest desires (especially with myself) because many of them feel very out of my reach. I am afraid of setting my expectations too high only to feel gut-wrenching disappointment when they are not met. I am afraid of establishing goals that I might not attain. (more…)

Do you ever look at your faith and wonder? Wonder if it would be strong if you didn’t “live a pretty little life.” Wonder if it will survive the really hard times. Wonder if it is wrongly based on the assumption that your life, as a Christian, will only get better, it certainly can’t get worse.

I guess it goes without saying that I do. I struggle with this. A lot.

Because my faith has not truly been tested. Sure, my life hasn’t been perfect. I have been through terrible break-ups. I have been betrayed by some of my best friends. I have had to bury three grandparents, two dogs, and several friends. I have been sick. And at thirty years old, I have to sit and wait for biopsy results knowing that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was thirty-one.

I have experienced loss. I have experienced fear. I have felt alone.

But I look at the trials and tribulations of others. And I remember that I have no idea. (more…)

Today I had to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. Not to be all dramatic about it BUT, I have DREADED this appointment all day (actually make that all week.)

As long as I can remember, I have had this “intense dislike” (my mom told my I should avoid use of the word “hate”) of dentists. It is not that I don’t like them as people. I know several who are fine people. It is that I have no appreciation for their chosen profession.

The following is embarrassing, but unfortunately true. (more…)

Or maybe I just know what I want? Or maybe I have no idea what I want? Or maybe I am content with where I am right now? Or maybe I am seriously afraid of change or of just putting myself out there? But in my defense, I have no fear meeting new people, confessing my deep dark secrets on my blog, or sharing what I think about the latest loser on the Bachlorette on Twitter. It just doesn’t make sense.

Oh, I just realized I haven’t given you a clue of what I am talking about. Well, here it is…

(more…)