Gosh, sorry I haven’t written since the big news. I meant to, but time has sort of escaped me.

How have I been doing???

Well, I have been a tad overwhelmed.

The logistics of moving to California are far more complicated than I imagined.  Figuring out where to live and how to get my self, my belongings and my car from Nashville to Orange County has been pretty much all consuming. Not to mention the plotting of a lot difficult goodbyes.

And, for the better part of last week I was gripped with fear.

Can I really do this? What was I thinking? Moving to Southern California…the land of earthquakes and Real Housewives?  Who am I? Without Nashville, my friends, my church, and my dog? {Yeah, I came to the brutal decision to send Molly to reside in Texas with my parents than force her to accompany me as I get settled. Brutal.}

But…things are looking up.

I am feeling more cool, calm, and collected as the plan begins coming together. And I know this sounds corny and perhaps a little hyper-spiritual but Sunday as I sat in church I couldn’t miss the little confirmations, the gifts of reassurance, from God that this is the right move. And that I am not taking this leap alone.

From the gripping lyrics of Healer, “Nothing is impossible with You. You hold my world in Your hands.” To Pete Wilson’s poignant message about what being radically devoted to Christ looks like. To watching the waves crash on a rocky beach as Merlyn Catron sang, “Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay. When you move, I’ll move. I will follow you.” To the perfectly timed text message from Tyler Merrick nudging the Project 7 team to, “Look for His details in the tapestry of your life today and this week.”

He won’t let me endeavor to think I am taking this leap alone.

Praise. The. Lord.

Enough about me. Has He sent you any gifts of reassurance lately?

If you were truly FEARLESS, what is ONE THING you would commit to DOING right now?

Skydive?

Break a habit?

Tell someone how you really feel?

Step into the spotlight?

Run a marathon?

Change careers?

Give a long overdue apology?

Say goodbye to a friend that is stunting your growth?

Adopt a child?

Looking at this short list, I am amazed by how my fear has limited me, how my fear has held me back. Ugh.

The more difficult half of the story is WHY I have never wanted to define my future. To answer that question I have to dig a lot deeper.

I guess it all boils down to FEAR. I am afraid of sharing my deepest desires (especially with myself) because many of them feel very out of my reach. I am afraid of setting my expectations too high only to feel gut-wrenching disappointment when they are not met. I am afraid of establishing goals that I might not attain.

And so I have settled for a life without thoughtful plans. But I know I need to conquer this fear. Because I know that not until I define my aspirations, will I be able to work towards making them a reality. And I don’t want to stumble my way through life.

Why is it so scary to define our heart desires, put in writing the person we’d love to become?

PS – Today my friends Spence Smith and Lynn Moore are finishing an IronMan (2.4 Mile Swim, 120 Mile Bike, 26.2 Mile Run). Talk about seeing people have made a lofty and scary goal a reality. They are an inspiration for us all!

I guess it goes without saying that I do. I struggle with this. A lot.

Because my faith has not truly been tested. Sure, my life hasn’t been perfect. I have been through terrible break-ups. I have been betrayed by some of my best friends. I have had to bury three grandparents, two dogs, and several friends. I have been sick. And at thirty years old, I have to sit and wait for biopsy results knowing that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was thirty-one.

I have experienced loss. I have experienced fear. I have felt alone.

But I look at the trials and tribulations of others. And I remember that I have no idea. Because even as I share confidently in their pain about the amazing power of the Cross, I have not lived with the kind of pain they are experiencing. I have not had to mourn the loss of a parent. I have not had a spouse cheat on me. I have not been homeless without a bed to call my own. I have not struggled with addiction. I have not had to care for a child with a life-threatening disease.

And so I fear that once my world is rocked (and odds are that it will be rocked someday), my faith will not withstand. Because even though my foundation is on the Rock, until a nasty storm blows in I cannot be completely confident that my house is not in danger of washing away.

Do you ever wonder that your faith is not enough? That you won’t have the strength or the wherewithal to cling to the One thing that can save you?

PS – I write this with ABSOLUTE FEAR that God is going to help my figure this out. That He is planing on building my character, by making me really uncomfortable.

As long as I can remember, I have had this “intense dislike” (my mom told my I should avoid use of the word “hate”) of dentists. It is not that I don’t like them as people. I know several who are fine people. It is that I have no appreciation for their chosen profession.

The following is embarrassing, but unfortunately true.

When I was a little girl, my dentist was more than just a random doctor. He was someone whom my parents saw socially, someone with whom they were friends. He was always very warm and friendly, but he was a dentist so I did not like him one bit. My mom would have to drag me in to my appointments kicking and screaming. I mean that not just as an expression, but as an accurate visual description.

Upon arrival, the fear did not subside and I COULD NOT BE CONSOLED. The screaming and kicking got louder and more violent. (Especially when they tried to get me to brush with fluoride for a whole minute. I am convinced the longest minutes of my life were spent brushing my teeth with fluoride.) Dentists see this type of behavior frequently I assume, but my case was extreme, really extreme. It was SO BAD that said dentist called my parents, his friends, into the office to tell them explicitly that if I could not get it together and stop this disruptive behavior that they’d have to find me a new dentist to torture.

Obviously this experience was mortifying for my parents. And so they laid down the law. And my dad is the type of man that doesn’t lay down the law about much, but when he does I obey. Believe me you would too.

And today, although I still DREAD the dentist, I have learned to grin and bear it. (Actually there is not much smiling involved, but can’t you just be proud of me for not throwing a temper tantrum?)

Make me feel better. Do you hate the dentist too? If it’s not the dentist, what is it that you completely dread?

Oh, I just realized I haven’t given you a clue of what I am talking about. Well, here it is…

So I finally did it! I finally created a profile on one of those internet dating sites. After I got all your feedback a few months ago, stewed over the responses, and had some free time at the beach, I decided to take the plunge and sign up.

I had no problem answering the questions about myself or opening up my wallet and dolling out the monthly fee, but unfortunately that is as far as I got. Or as far as I will get. But it is not a total waste, I did figure out one thing.

Internet dating is not for me, at least right now. And here’s why:

• I love meeting people, but I do not love reading (or more accurately judging) their profiles.
• I love getting to know someone slowly and learning about whether or not we are compatible, but I do not love reading someones carefully crafted answers to some fill-in-the-blanks.
• I love opening up to others (slowly as it is appropriate), but I don’t love trying to create a me that looks good on paper.
• Oh and most importantly, I don’t love rejecting communication from potential suitors when I have never spoken to them. But I have this feeling that I don’t want to ever speak to them. EVER.

So I am shutting it down for now.

And focusing on enjoying my days, building my character, being a loyal friend, all the while hoping/praying that someday I bump into “the one.” Because I trust that God has a plan for me. One that is better than I can imagine for myself.

Important disclaimer for this post. Mom/Dad – I am certain you have now read this post and have some opinions about it. I know that you are looking forward to sharing them with me this weekend. I know that you just want the best for me. And that you think I deserve a wonderful life filled with a wonderful man and some wonderful kids. But I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I do not want to talk about whether I think there are single men in Nashville. If you must, share your thoughts with my sweet sister who can try to pass them along in a gentle sweet sisterly way. Oh, and I love you guys so much and can’t wait to see you too!

To make me feel better about all this, will you please tell me how you meet your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend?