A couple of years ago {it’s hard to believe I have been blogging long enough that I can refer to a post that I wrote a couple of years ago}, I wrote a post asking readers their thoughts on online dating. I loved hearing peoples’ opinions. They were fascinating. They were informative. But most of all they were encouraging.

And so a few months later, I decided to try to have an open mind and put myself ‘out there.’ But as quickly as I dipped my toe in the online dating pool, I decided that I wasn’t ready. I had great reasons. My life was full. My heart was otherwise engaged. And it felt truly UNCOMFORTABLE.

Online dating was something I hoped, prayed, and pleaded that I would never have to revisit. But here I am, 35-and-single and living in a town where I can count the single guys that I know on my right hand AND where I have a friend {Bianca Juarez Olthoff} who isn’t ready to let me give up on my heart’s desires. {Truth be told the second factor weighs much more heavily than the first.}

So, with some {okay, with A LOT of} poking and prodding, I have taken the plunge and now officially have a profile on one of those wacky internet dating sites. {Note: I can’t really say that I created an online profile, Bianca did most of the heavy lifting while I entertained myself with snarky commentary and an ice cold beer.}

I am trying to keep an open mind about the whole thing but right now I still am struggling with the general uncomfortable-ness of reviewing awkward pictures and clumsily edited profiles of potential suitors. So I find myself reluctantly browsing but fervently praying that I’ll stumble upon my ‘dream dude’ in some old-fashioned ‘normal’ way. {Maybe like the way I met one of my college boyfriends? With him dousing a Naty Light on me at a frat party. True story folks. True story. Not my best day but yet it provides stellar blog fodder.}

Here is where you provide any advice, commentary, testimonials, or funny stories in regard to online dating. Do share. I’m all ears. 

Several years ago I found myself suddenly dating a boy that had been my best friend for years. Making that transition was tough.

I was scared to let someone who was so close to me come closer. I was all too familiar with the worst case scenario. Plus, I had watched him jump from one failed relationship to another and was a little too familiar with his tendency to bail when things intensified. All this left me feeling…petrified.

He sensed my walls and knew that they were going to keep us from ever really knowing what might be.

“I will never hurt you.”

The words, the promise, slipped out of his mouth so easily.

And I naively took them to heart.

After all, this could be “it.”

Turns out this wasn’t in fact “it.”

A year later, I found myself angrily questioning how things could have gone so wrong, how I could have left myself so vulnerable to heart break, and how his promise had turned out to be nothing more than a big fat lie.

Today, if I know anything, I know that the promise he made is a promise that no one can keep.

We hurt people. We do. We hurt people we love. We hurt people unintentionally. And if we are honest, on rare occasions, we hurt people intentionally.

We are broken. And hence, so are our promises.

What promises have you made that you couldn’t keep?

This morning I received a package of miscellaneous things from my mom (oh, if only you could see the wonderfully random things she sends my way). And in the package with a torn out article from the Wall Street Journal with a sticky note attached “Interesting article, Mom.”

At first glance I thought it was an article on internet dating. And I was not happy. Not happy at all. (Moms, never send your grown daughters articles about internet dating, it’s just not cool.)

But I took another glance and it was actually a very interesting article (yes, Mom is always right)  based on a book by Kay Hymowitz Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys on how many men in their 20s are living an extended adolescence.

Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This “pre-adulthood” has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it’s time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn’t bring out the best in men.

Here’s a link to the whole article.

I’d love to hear what you think about it. How has your experience validated or refuted Hymowitz’s theory? Just please, be nice or your comment will vanish into the unknown.

Like An Interview About Singleness

Today I am answering some questions about my season of singleness on Matt Appling’s blog, The Church of No People. Here’s a taste:

Q: Okay, so we’re talking about being single, and more specifically, how to be “good” at being single. I imagine many people tiptoe around the topic of singleness, the same way people do with childless married people (like my wife and I.) They wonder why “it” hasn’t happened yet, or they give advice, or just feel pity. What’s your experience been?

A: I have friends that ignore it. I have friends that seem to know just what I should be doing/feeling…like if they were running my life I wouldn’t be in this “predicament.” And I have friends who pray for me, listen to me, and gently encourage me.

Go check out the rest. Matt asks some really good questions and hopefully I don’t sound like a total moron. And be sure to check out the other “Love Month” posts.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

How are you celebrating?

What’s your best/worst Valentine’s Day story?

I am 34. And single.

So the question has been posed a time or two by friends, family, and complete strangers,

Are you too picky? Perhaps? Just a little? Too picky?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that one.

I know that I have finally stopped looking for a younger George Clooney, the captain of the football team, or the king of the frat house.

And I know that I have three things that are non-negotiables. (No, they aren’t a full head of hair, a six-pack, or a European luxury sedan.) They are as simple as this. I am looking for someone who is kind, strong, and funny.

Kind. I want someone who genuinely cares for others. And by others I mean not just those that it is convenient to love. I want someone who purposely builds into those around him. I want someone who chooses his words carefully and speaks gently even when having “tough conversations”.

Strong. I want someone who is protective of what is good and what is right. I want someone who makes me feel safe. I want someone who is confident in who he is and is passionately pursuing what God has called him to. I want someone who will challenge me to be the best version of myself. And I want (okay, maybe I don’t so much want this as need it) someone who will put me in my place (sometimes I can be a little too sassy for my own good).

Funny. I want someone who makes me laugh until I cry. I want someone who encourages me to be freakishly silly. I want someone who can enjoy Christmas, Disneyland, and adventures with pure unadulterated child-like joy.

If those three non-negotiables are too much to ask for, then I am will continue on finding contentment in the single life.

Maybe I am just too picky?

Curious.

Singles: Would you consider yourself picky? What are the three most important qualities you want in a future partner? Be honest.

Marrieds: What were you looking for? What did you find?

Today I am guest posting over on my friends Justin and Trisha Davis’ blog, RefineUs. To be honest, when Justin asked me if I’d be willing to write a post, I got nervous, really nervous. I knew that they wouldn’t be looking for a fluffy little post. I knew they would want me to reveal some parts of my heart that I wouldn’t be completely comfortable sharing. And I knew I had to say yes.

A few nights later, Justin emailed me details about what they were looking for…

There are people who read our blog that have tried their best but their marriages that haven’t made it. There are people that have tried for years to find the right person, and for whatever reason God hasn’t brought that person along. There are people who have done everything right, and have been disappointed by God, or by how their life has played out, up to this point.

It’s easy for me to write about second chances, because I’ve been given one by my wife…but not everyone story plays out like that. So my thought was to have each of you, as singles share perspective of how to experience God when life doesn’t go like you’ve planned…through waiting, through hurt and betrayal, through disappointment, through success, through failure…how have you learned to experience God where you are right now. (more…)

Sometimes I am just plain GROUCHY.

It is NOT PRETTY, but it is TRUE and REAL.

Yes, I know. I don’t really have ANYTHING to be grouchy about. All my fundamental needs are being met. I have a wonderful job, a loving family, and this fantastic group of friends. I belong to an incredible church. And I live in a country where I am allowed to dream of possibilities and work to make them a reality. I am set. Life is good.

But that doesn’t stop me from having days where the grouchy feelings cascade over me, mind and soul.

And today is one of those days where I am a little worn out with it all. Seriously…

I’m sick of being single. Sick, sick, sick of being single.

I’m sick of hearing that my friends wished they knew a man who was worthy of me. (I mean, what IN THE HECK does that mean?)

I’m sick of failing to find the right balance between doing too much and being really tired of being still.

But mostly, I’m sick of listening to myself complain.

So…

I am going to start thinking of things that make me smile. (Yes, I have probably seen The Sound of Music one too many times.)

I am going to think of things that are undeniably happy like…

Exploring the glorious Hill Country of Texas with my wide-eyed and totally precious nieces. (more…)

I talk a lot about life plans and living intentionally but really that is all it is, talk. Sure, I make a concerted effort to think about decisions in terms of “where this get me where I want to go” but I haven’t done the work to really draft a blueprint of what type of life I want to build.

I’ve found that the most difficult thing for me is admitting I want things that I might not get, creating goals that I might not achieve, dreaming dreams that are just that, dreams. (more…)

Last week a few friends and I were commiserating over some of the perils of being single. Maybe commiserating is the wrong word. We were just commenting about how our lives didn’t really match our childhood dreams with “the” husband and “the” 2.0 kids. And while the journey we find ourselves on can be challenging and lonely at times (especially the random Sunday evening), life remains abundantly full and quite satisfying.

The next day, the following devotional arrived. The encouraging words written by Kelly and “Big Momma” had gone through a series of forwards before making its way to my inbox.  They struck a chord with me, so I thought maybe they’d strike a chord with you too. And Kelly kindly gave me the permission to share.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” I Corinthians 2:9

Well I have talked to lots of you recently and it seems to me that this phase of life is hard on everyone.  Letting go of the security of college and friends and doing really big life decisions for the first time is a hard thing.  All of us seem to be waiting on something….to find “the one”, to get a better job/house, to get married, to be good at what we do, to have babies, to get over bad things that have happened to us. (more…)

Or maybe I just know what I want? Or maybe I have no idea what I want? Or maybe I am content with where I am right now? Or maybe I am seriously afraid of change or of just putting myself out there? But in my defense, I have no fear meeting new people, confessing my deep dark secrets on my blog, or sharing what I think about the latest loser on the Bachlorette on Twitter. It just doesn’t make sense.

Oh, I just realized I haven’t given you a clue of what I am talking about. Well, here it is…

(more…)