I love being back in Nashville I do. I love my job. I love my house. I love living someplace where fall means college football, crisp mornings, and foliage, glorious foliage.

But I’d be lying if I said that everyday is sunshine and smiley faces.

Truth be told, this weekend I’ve fought the funk. You know the one that has you ogling your half empty glass, asking the dreaded ‘what ifs’, and questioning your purpose and value? That funk.

I’ve been traveling a lot. I’m tired, worn out, and feeling disconnected. And I, who typically am especially gifted in the intentional pursuit of my friends, have zero energy to play that game.  Making matters seem worse, I still am assessing who I am after a year in California and how people have evolved in my absence.

I’m different. They are different. Life is different.

Well, it all got the best of me and this weekend I had to go head-to-head with the funk.

I’ll leave you with a few random observations that I’ve found in the midst of my wrestling…

We all have our highs and our lows. We need to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge when all is not right in our souls.

Grief comes in waves. The waves get smaller and less frequent but they continue to lap the shore. And that’s okay.

Our perspective shapes everything. Every thing. But unfortunately, shifting our perspective is often easier said than done.

Grace. I need to swim in it. I need to let it permeate my entire being. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to take deep breaths and choose grace. Again. And again.

What are some observations you have on fighting the funk? 

Yesterday, I packed up what was left of my life in California.

In between errands and goodbyes, I stole an hour with my friend Jennie {yes, I reposted a guest post I did for her yesterday} and her husband Zac. They like many, asked how my transition has been, what I’m leaving behind and what I took away from this season.

Unpacking it all with them, I could see God’s hand woven throughout my zig-zagging story {no one ever said He only works in straight lines and wants us to take the easiest route from point A to point B}. Thought I’d take the time to document as much for me as for those of you who choose to follow along.

How has the transition been? 

The transition has been good.

Peaceful.

Crazy but peaceful.

Candidly, I am pretty worn out and can not wait for the day when I get to get dressed by choosing clothes from a closet instead of a suitcase. I’ve been traveling A LOT. When I have been in Nashville, I’ve been fortunate to have an incredibly welcoming friend open her house to me and the pup and make sure we felt right at home.

The new job, well it’s perfect…perfect for me I mean. 

Most of my goodbyes were said weeks ago so I was surprised at the rush of emotions that tracked me down on this quick trip back to Orange County to close up shop. I suspect grief, joy, and fear will continue to sneak up on me from time to time. It’s just part of it, just part of transition.

What am I leaving behind? 

Dear friends. The good news is that it is really just a “see you later” instead of a “goodbye.” And in many cases trips to Nashville are already on the books. But I would be kidding myself to think that those relationships won’t evolve and that the distance won’t make doing life together day-in-and-day-out difficult.

The ocean and just-about-perfect weather. The good news is that I’ll get to visit from time to time and on those trips I’ll soak them up. {In the meantime, I’ll try to keep my complaining about the Nashville heat and humidity to a minimum.}

Fish tacos. No good news on this one folks!

 What did I take away from this season?  

Looking back, my time in California was…necessary. I didn’t know it at the time but it seems obvious now.

2011 was a tough year for me personally.

There was a lot of loss…aching loss. Moving away gave me distance and allowed me to enter a season of rest, reflection and ultimately restoration.

People say that time heals all wounds. I believe distance helps accelerate the healing process.

So hopefully sooner rather than later, I can settle back into Nashville, a world that I LOVE, with a joyful and expectant heart, stronger, more focused, and more equipped to tackle what God sets before me next.

What have you taken away from the season you are in? 

Hard to believe that just one week ago, my brave friend Trish, Molly, and I hopped into my car and set-off for Nashville. 3 days and 2,100 miles later we arrived a little delirious but no worse for the wear.

Monday brought my first day at Food for the Hungry. Meeting a contractor at my future home. Catching up with long lost Nashville friends. Dropping Molly off at the vet for a routine checkup…which turned out not to be so routine after all.

Turns out the pup has a Mast Cell Tumor which best case scenario is going to be painful, expensive, and time-consuming. And worst case scenario, well, we don’t need to go there. {Fingers crossed, she’ll be having it removed next week right before I leave for two weeks of travel.}

So what was already slated to be a chaotic week full of transition had a new element of stress. {Cross Country Move – Check, Buying and Renovating House – Check, Starting New Job – Check, Beloved Pet With Cancer – Check Check.}

But incredibly, I have felt wonderfully peaceful through the whole thing. {The only thing that is about to send me over the edge is the insane itching from some pesky bug bites. I have no idea what got me, but it got me GOOD. Here’s hoping the steroid shot that I took this morning will put bring some relief.}

It is times like these that I can’t deny the presence of God.

Alone I would be pulling my hair out, but with God I’m experiencing peace.

“And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One.” Philippians 4:7 

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the week.

What have you been up to? Are you finding peace in the midst of your chaos?

One week from today {if everything goes according to our very ambitious cross-country road trip plan}, Trish Davis, the pup and I will be pulling into Nashville.

I still can not believe that this move is on the horizon and getting a little bit closer each day.

The last couple of weeks have been a beautiful whirlwind. Finishing up work at Project 7, crossing items off of my California bucket list {Dodger’s Game – check, Disneyland - check, Beach Bonfire – check, Late Night Swim in the Pacific – check, Hotel Cafe - check, Wurstckuche – check, Huntington Gardens – check, Pasadena – check, Philippe’s - check and I still have 5 days left, we’ll see what else I can cram in}, house hunting in Nashville, checking out my new work digs, and enjoying some ‘down’ time with my parents who are going to miss having a daughter who lives on the Pacific.

I don’t anticipate things will slow down from here. House inspections. Oil changes and tire rotations. Packing {just enough gear to get me through a Nashville summer and trips to the beach and Africa}. And of course, goodbyes or what I prefer to call ‘see you laters.’

And Friday morning as the sun rises, we will head east. Fast and furiously towards home.

I am thankful for the friends who keep checking in and inquiring after my state of being, and the state of my heart. Truth be known, my emotions are all over the map. There is sadness, fear, and grief intermixed with joy, excitement, and contentment. I hope the journey itself will help me sort through what I am leaving behind, what I am traveling to, and what I can take with me.

What journeys do you have planned this summer?

While I have embraced the word “dude “{because dude just works}, complained about being “freezing” when the temperature was well above 50 degrees Fahrenheit, and added a ”the” before mentioning an interstate, still I am not sure I ever fully adapted to Orange County lifestyle.

Here are seven clues:

1. I never took my dog to the mall.

2. I never said the word “gnarly” and meant it.

3. I never did more than dangle my toe in the Pacific. {Well, there was the one time I had a not so graceful dismount off of the SUP.}

4. I never got comfortable parking next to a Maserati, a Bentley, a Ferrari, or a Lotus.

5. I never could choose In-N-Out over Chick-Fil-A. They stand on opposite corners about six blocks from my office and every time I was in need of a fast food fix, Chick-Fil-A.

6. I never stopped fearing the big one {aka – the earthquake that sends California floating.}

7. I never became afraid of driving in the rain {but maybe I should have, I’m not the best driver.}

What are other weird Orange County/Southern California quirks? 

As I prepare to embark on another cross-country move, I am struck with how solitary, lonely if I dare say it,  journeys can be.

It is strange, and a little ironic, because past, present and future days are overflowing with friends and family. But yet crossing the bridge from the land of sun, surf and Bentleys to the land of churches, honky-tonkys and green pastures is something I must do all alone.

California friends can’t quite understand what I am running to and Tennessee friends can’t quite understand what I am leaving behind. No one person, here nor there, completely understands the sadness, joy, excitement, fulfillment, contentment, loss, fear, and worry that have camped out in my soul and decided to have a slumber party.

Yes, the bridge between two lands can be a little lonely.

Yet I remain thankful, that the destination is Nashville, that it is in sight, and that God, and the pup, are constant companions {even though I don’t always lean into their presence as I should}.

Have you experienced the ironic loneliness of transition? 

For the first time in a long time, I have so many words to say that I’m not quite sure where to start. So I’ll start here. (I guess it’s as good of a place as any.)

Today was an incredible day. I got up went to a great job for a company that is doing good around the world and had the pleasure of interacting with talented and supportive co-workers and friends. Lunchtime came and I got pho-to-go (actually it was bun but that doesn’t have the same ring to it, now does it?) After work, I introduced a dear friend to the luxury of a pedicure and the deliciousness of Bear Flag Fish Company.

Yes, today was an incredible day.

Life is rich. And I am blessed.

But the last nine months have been hard.

When I packed up all my things to move to California, I was braced and ready for the challenge. A loss of the people, places, and things I held most dear coupled with a discovery of a new culture, a new home, a new church, and a new job. Yep, the challenge still managed to knock me on my rear end.

Hard, yet necessary.

I have learned much about myself, about solitude, about community, and about things I haven’t even learned that I’ve learned quite yet.

Over the last few months, I started to sense this adventure was meant to be a short-ish one.

So when I got a phone call from Ben Greene about an opportunity IN NASHVILLE to join the work that FOOD FOR THE HUNGRY is doing and MOBILIZE SPEAKERS, AUTHORS, AND OTHER STORYTELLERS TO GO TO THE HARD PLACES AND BRING HOPE AND HELP TO THE CHILDREN, I perked up. I explored the possibility that sounds like THE BEST JOB EVER. And when the job offer came, I jumped, I shouted, and I accepted.

This is my next right step. I know it. While zig-zagging across the country once again might seem a little whacky or sideways to some, I know it is just perfect, for me, for now.

So that’s my bittersweet news.

Bitter because it is the end of an awesome adventure and bitter because I will have to say goodbye to some precious friends. Sweet because by God’s grace I get to live and work in the flow of the Spirit and sweet because I AM GOING HOME.

“God’s plan is not just for us to be saved by grace – it is for us to live by grace. God’s plan is for my daily life to be given, guided, guarded, and energized by the grace of God. To live in grace is to flow in the Spirit.” John Ortberg, The Me I Want To Be

Thank you for your ongoing friendship and support. It means the world to me. 

I know. I know. I am a little early to the party with this one.

But inspiration struck as I drove home tonight, and since inspiration has been MIA lately I thought we’d take it and run with it.

Here we go. 11 lessons that I learned, a few the hard way, in 2011:

1. ‘Cold’ is relative. Somehow the 40s really do feel quite unbearable in California. {Thankful we don’t see a lot of them.}

2. A crush is called ‘a crush’ for a darn good reason.

3. When it sounds to good to be true, it probably is.

4. There is something unmistakably lovely and unusual about the fall in the South. College football, brisk mornings, and glorious foliage should not be taken for granted.

5. ‘Ay de mi!’ is a term of exclamation that we learned in Spanish class, but not one that is used by any real Spanish speakers.

6. God is more concerned with who we are becoming than what we are doing. {Pretty sure I have learned this one before and will be learning this one again. It’s a good thing I am surrounded by friends that won’t allow me forget it.}

7. Life is better lived in the company of a great dog.

8. The Pacific Ocean is breathtaking, even when you see it everyday.

9. Moving cross-country creates moments where exuberant joy and poignant grief collide, often leaving you confused and speechless.

10. Friends come in and out of our lives. While it’s hard to see them walk off stage, it is so fun to see what scene they show up in next.

11. Entering our ‘promised land’ is not necessarily the big red bow neatly tying up the end of our story. We will still have to fight combat fear, grieve our past, and learn to stop trying to go at it our way and embrace complete surrender.

 Now it’s your turn. What’s one lesson that you have learned in 2011?  

On Wednesday, I went to John Wayne International Airport and picked up my dog, Molly, at the baggage claim. {If you haven’t been following along, my sweet Molls has been staying with my parents for the last couple of months while I got things situated in California. And I was REALLY missing her.}

After more than two months, we reunited. And it feels so good.

For the last few days we’ve just been enjoying each other’s company. We have snuggled up on the couch enjoying Hallmark Christmas movies {our favorite, okay maybe they are my favorite, but Molly never complains}. We have walked the beaches of Orange County. We have met some new friends.

And we are just getting started. We have a brand new state to explore.

Welcome to California Molls. I love doing life with you!

What have you, and your pets, been up to?  

My friends Justin and Trisha Davis asked if I would be willing to guest post on their blog. I happily obliged because I adore the Davises and there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do for them. But it has been a little difficult to find the discipline to get the post written. Why?  Well, because the topic they asked me to blog about is “transition” which I feel like is all I have been talking about, all I have been blogging about, and all I have been living. Candidly, “transition” has me a little exhausted.

It’s hard, you know?

Waking up in a new apartment, in a new city, in a new state, in a new culture, throwing on new clothes {the weather and the casual Orange County atmosphere necessitate}, heading into a new job with new co-workers and a new boss, and escaping in the evening to grab a quick dinner at a new restaurant before going to a new small group at a new church. Nothing is familiar. It’s all new. It’s disorienting. And it’s hard. Click here to continue reading.