Too Picky?

I am 34. And single.

So the question has been posed a time or two by friends, family, and complete strangers,

Are you too picky? Perhaps? Just a little? Too picky?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that one.

I know that I have finally stopped looking for a younger George Clooney, the captain of the football team, or the king of the frat house.

And I know that I have three things that are non-negotiables. (No, they aren’t a full head of hair, a six-pack, or a European luxury sedan.) They are as simple as this. I am looking for someone who is kindstrong, and funny.

Kind. I want someone who genuinely cares for others. And by others I mean not just those that it is convenient to love. I want someone who purposely builds into those around him. I want someone who chooses his words carefully and speaks gently even when having “tough conversations”.

Strong. I want someone who is protective of what is good and what is right. I want someone who makes me feel safe. I want someone who is confident in who he is and is passionately pursuing what God has called him to. I want someone who will challenge me to be the best version of myself. And I want (okay, maybe I don’t so much want this as need it) someone who will put me in my place (sometimes I can be a little too sassy for my own good).

Funny. I want someone who makes me laugh until I cry. I want someone who encourages me to be freakishly silly. I want someone who can enjoy Christmas, Disneyland, and adventures with pure unadulterated child-like joy.

If those three non-negotiables are too much to ask for, then I am will continue on finding contentment in the single life.

Maybe I am just too picky?

Curious.

Singles: Would you consider yourself picky? What are the three most important qualities you want in a future partner? Be honest.

Marrieds: What were you looking for? What did you find?

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Lindsey has a sincere love for her precious dogs Molly and Maisy, a good red wine and the Delta Sky Club.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • moweezle

    ok. I am 35 and have been told the exact same thing a million times! If picky means having standards, then Yes, I guess I am. For me, since I live on the mission field, the picks are even slimmer, but I have to continue to have hope. My top 3 qualities are: mission minded. Loves kids. Fun. 🙂

  • I'm 30 and "single" (but in a relationship).

    As I wrote my list, I realized I *may* just be single because these are all about me:
    1. Funny. He needs to make me laugh because I'm not super funny.
    2. Get me. He just needs to understand me and what I'm about (and be about most of the same things)
    3. See the beauty in simplicity. Appreciate the little things.

    You're not being too picky at all. Finding exactly what you're looking for is totally worth the wait. I never thought I'd find it, and I did.
    My recent post Write whatever Worry Less

  • kevindeshazo

    Geez, you're picky. Good grief. I mean really? Kind, strong, funny? That's a bit much. Clearly I'm kidding (or at least I hope it was clear). I looked for a girl with humor, confidence and no drama. Sounds simple enough, but I'm actually quite picky. If she can laugh at my stupid jokes (trust me, there are a lot) and put up with my weirdness…win. If she knows who she is, big time win. No drama was huge, mostly because I don't do well with drama and tend to not deal with that stuff with much sensitivity. Thankfully, I was able to find all of that. And more. Not sure how that happened, but it did.

    • I'd think one of your non-negotiables would have been a Lost fanatic…

  • cmnb

    That's a great list, Lindsey! Married almost 10 years and if I had to sit down and consider what I appreciate more than anything else, those 3 things would be at the top of the list! Kindness plays out in so many areas and I think it's one of the most attractive qualities in a man. And isn't it every little girl's 'Prince Charming dream' to have a husband who does what is good, right and Godly! And funny has made many a difficult situation easier to endure! I can be so steaming mad about something silly and then he'll say something insanely funny and I break out into hysterics and can't help but stop being mad at him! So my 2 cents…don't waiver on this one! I don't think you're being picky at all!

    My recent post TextFX

  • Lindsey, I love this. I’m long past being singe (and thankful) but with two boys in the single world and one of them engaged, I’m glad to see this type intentionality. I am actually planning to post on a new trend I’ve seen to make a list of expectations singles have, similar to what you are doing here. I have a couple friends who say their list has up to 60 items on it. Not all of them are have to haves, but they have their non-negotiables. I think you usually only hit a target you are aiming for. Aim high! God will honor that !

    Thanks for being such a great example for others to follow.

  • Lindsey, I've been married almost 20 years, but an expert on relationships I am not. These are just a few of my thoughts.

    I think you can have an idea, or an ideal, of what you're looking for in a mate, but obviously, to find someone who fits every single criteria is nearly impossible. In fact, if a person tries to follow a check-list of "must haves" in a mate, my opinion is that they're definitely TOO PICKY.

    However, I do believe there are certain absolutes. Deal-breakers, if you will. For instance, I would never be with someone who smokes. Who didn't want children. Who wasn't motivated to make something of his life. Even if the attraction and the chemistry was off the scale, that's not the kind of person I'd want to commit to forever with.

    I really do believe that, to a degree, when the "right one" comes along, you know it. It just feels different. At least, that's what happened to me. We knew each other 5 weeks and a day before we got married, and now we'll celebrate our 20th anniversary in January. It's been rough at times, but because he's the right one, we've been blessed and we've been able to work through the hard stuff.

    I don't think you're too picky. You know what's important to you in a mate. Don't settle for less, because even though single may not be your first choice, it's still better than being stuck with someone who doesn't make you happy.
    My recent post Enter My Soles4Souls Giveaway Today

  • I'm 28 and have been married to the love of my life for 7 years now. To be honest, I wasn't looking when we met. At that time I was just worried about partying and hanging out with friends, but then I met her. She was totally different than what I had thought I wanted. She was "a city girl" not a southern gal. She was on the dance team and not a cheerleader. She was independent and not dependent. She was tall, not short.

    In other words she was the exact opposite of what I had always pictured. And I'm thankful for that.
    My recent post Saying and Doing Nothing

  • Benjamin

    are you accepting applicants? I think I know this guy.

  • Crystal Renaud

    If not picky, then we settle for less than God's desire for us. I firmly believe that God orchestrates marriage and as cliche as it may sound, He will bring you (myself, all women who are single and waiting) who it is God wants us to be with. Serve with. Love with.

    Delight in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart. When I don't believe that, the Saturday nights alone are much harder to bear.

  • Amy

    I swear you and I are the same person sometimes. That's my list too, and no, I don't think we're being picky. We have every right to expect that the person we share the rest of our lives with is a decent human being. And given a choice, I'd rather be picky than settle. I don't believe that God ever wants us to settle for less. If that were the case, He would have picked someone else to be our Savior. 🙂

    My recent post How to save a life

  • I'm 41 and still single. It's something I've struggled with for years and years – what's wrong with me, that no one wants me? I think, for some time, I was too picky. Then, I stopped being picky. I've stopped looking, I start looking again, etc. I've prayed about it. Seems I've done everything I can, and still, I am single. I don't feel called to be single. At times I just get so frustrated and recently, I'm thinking I just might give up on finding someone all together (but secretly I don't think I can do that).
    My recent post Wake Up Call

    • The painful question that we hate voicing is always, "What is wrong with me?" Don't give up!

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  • Michelle Cartmill

    NOOO!!! You are absolutely not too picky!!! Being married is wonderful, but being married is HARD! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God plucked my husband out of billions on men just for me. I also know that there have been times that we have been in the valley, and my flesh desperately wants to quit. You have know idea the peace that comes with knowing that this is exactly where God wants me to be. When Satan would attack me with doubts, I could stand firm knowing that I am with the man that God chose for me! Please don’t get me wrong, marriage is not all doom and gloom. And unlike what our culture trys to say, a God centered marriage only gets sweeter with time. But I just feel like a lot of people never mention to single people how much work and self sacrifice go into marriage. I heard a quote once that said, “it’s better to be unmarried and alone, than married to the wrong person and alone for a lifetime”. Yeah I butchered that, but it still gets the point across 🙂 As far as being too picky…are you turning guys away because their left ear is crooked and it bugs you, because he doesn’t make enough money (this is different than being lazy and unmotivated), or because he has an interest or passion that you don’t? I agree that we always need to be open minded about people and our perceptions of them. But if your mainly focused on non negotiable character qualities and persuing God’s will for your life, then I think you’re right where you need to be. God is never early, but He is always right on time! Try to tune out what “the world” says your timeline should be, and rest in the fact that God’s plans for you are perfect! When it’s all said and done, The journey God has chosen and will continue to chose for you will be the one you never knew you always wanted!!

    Love you! I know I never comment, but I always love your posts and have been inspired and convicted many times by them!!

    • Ah, Michelle. Thanks for commenting. I know you know how it is. Sure you get pressures from the same people, "when are you going to have another one?", etc. I hope we can hang out soon. I miss you guys!

  • Stay picky, but stay open.

    I think sometimes you can rule someone out because you dont think they meet what you're looking for right off the bat, but i dont think it hurts to be open to something that might not click immediately.

    But of course in the end you need to be true to yourself. Especially with the "kindness" one. I think it's one of the best things to have in a mate, guy or girl.
    My recent post A Little More About You and blogs

  • Amanda

    Those are great qualities, Lindsey.
    My recent post Aid Sudan

  • I am obviously staying single now that the homebound thing happened, but even before that… I was picky. in a good way. my list was just like yours… I saw in my parents what a good marriage of love and respect looks like and that is what I wanted. and I think anything less than that isn’t what God wanted for me.

    I want to fulfill God’s plan for my life, not force myself into an ill-fitting relationship because I was afraid of being alone.

    just be open, and God will show you the rest. I really believe that.

  • Bob Bachand

    I am happily married and would like to add one more item to your list non-negotiables: Love Jesus more than you.

    Also, It is better to be single and lonely then married and alone.

    Keep up your standards, don't stoop or you will get bitten.
    My recent post Samson is an unlikely character

  • I think you just described what every women wants in a relationship. It's not being too picky, these are qualities we all could expect in our relationships.

    Sometimes when I read status updates on social sites about three not being any perfect men out there, I want to tell them that Jesus is a perfect man. Develop a relationship with him and your perfect man will follow. Then I think I should maybe take my own advice first to improve my relationship with my wife.

    From reading your blog I know you are doing the right things. Keep it up, you still find someone when the time is right.
    My recent post Breaking all the Rurals

    • Thanks Brian. Pretty sure "perfect" is not in the cards for me. 🙂

  • Oh child, let me shake some wisdom on you:

    1. Does he LOVE Jesus?
    2. Does he have a J-O-B?
    3. Does he have his teeth?

    After that, it was pace of life, ambition, and the ability to endure my [slighty] dramatic personality and [slightly] neurotic organization of things that don't matter.
    My recent post language decoder…

  • rachelshae

    those are pretty much dead-on with my must-haves.

    i don't have too much room to talk about the single-hood-scenario, being in my early-twenties. but i will say this: i've never really dated. the closest thing i had to a serious commitment was a 4-month ordeal that i knew wasn't right from the beginning.

    i think there's a truth to the "knowing" bit. i'm not advising running your life on emotions and going with "well i FEEEEL like…" shindig. but I'm a fan of Malcolm Gladwell, and I think he hit it dead on in "Blink." Gut instincts know more than we give them credit for.

    At any rate, worst case scenario, we are being too picky. but hey, God is bigger than our pickiness, right?

    So to echo the consensus around here: better to aim high and fall short, than get into a miserable situation. i'd rather be alone than be with someone and lonely. that's the worst kind of alone.
    My recent post How to have a conversation using 5 words or less

  • Faith

    I am 29 and have been happily married for almost 7 years. I don't think that you can be too picky. My husband had a list of over 100 things that he wanted in a spouse, even little things like coke over pepsi. He felt that if God truly wanted him to get married that he would find someone who met all of the qualifications. Well I only failed one item that was age dependent and well what is age is just a number when you are looking for maturity. So keep being picky. Keep going on and pressing God for perfection and settle for nothing less because if God wants you to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, he will put them right in front of you with out a problem.

  • Well, I'm 32 and just got married for the first time… So I really understand the whole "am I being too picky?" dilemma. I think for me I was and I wasn't. Yes, there are for sure certain non-negotiables, and I think that is good. What I found is that I had a specific idea of what those non-negotiables would look like in someone, and that was where I had to realize I was being too picky.

    For example, another single friend who is close to being engaged, just asked me if my husband met my expectations as spiritual leader, and I had to say yes and no. He is no doubt the spiritual leader, but it doesn't play out like I had pictured it would. He's not necessarily the one who is going to be super disciplined about doing a devotion together on a regular basis. It's not his personality, he's responsible, but not a super disciplined guy. He is however the kind of person that's aware of where we are spiritually as a couple, and where I am spiritually as an individual, and he will tell me things, like you need to let that go, or I hear a little bitterness in those words, and call me on it.

    I also found for myself that I had to be careful of desiring a mate, who fulfilled the things I wished I was… or solved "problems" in an easy way for me. Essentially expecting someone who would make up for what I saw as my own short comings, or would be the solution for an area of life I was discontented with. I had to learn to change/accept those things about myself, and solve my own problems.

    It's definitely not a clear cut and dried question to answer, and I think it's going to work differently for every person. I've always been anti formula, life just isn't like that. Just cause it worked one way for someone, doesn't mean it will work that way for you. I think you just have to always be pursuing God, and trust him that he's leading you to good places.
    My recent post How I Knew He Was “The ONE”

  • Cindy Graves

    No way are you too picky. But you are extremely wise. Those are excellent qualities. Don't you dare settle for anything less! (Now…this Mama of 3 daughters has spoken!)

  • You are definitely NOT too picky. And I think it is very important to actually verbalize your expectations and standards. They might intimidate a guy a little, but winning your heart shouldn't be easy.

    I'm married to a wonderful woman and my list was pretty brief & simple (as you might know guys to be):
    1. Beautiful (check – to deny that 99.5% of initial attraction is based on sight is just that – denial)
    2. Love God (check)
    3. Love me (check)
    4. Love to cook AND be good at it (check)

    Everything else was a bonus:
    – Country music lover
    – Football fan
    – Goofy sense of humor
    – Amazing mom
    – Wonderful wife
    – etc…

    Did I mention that I proposed after dating for only 6 weeks? (We've been married 4.5 yrs)

    You've heard the cliche before, but hang in there. Your Lancelot is out there.
    My recent post Soldiers &amp Jesus

  • Sigh. I just typed this really long comment and lost it. Sheesh! Let me try to recreate what I wrote:

    Okay, so I was 35 before I married and I definitely heard the "you are too picky" comment. I also heard that maybe I was "too intimidating" (which I think is funny because I don't feel intimidating).

    In the end, I think my list had dwindled to "God whatever you want…If you want me single, okay. If you want me married, great. Just please keep away every many but the right man." When I first met Ken, I didn't like him. Matter of fact, I kind of disliked him. What I have found is that God gave me exactly what I needed in a man without me even knowing what that was. The qualities that drive me the craziest about Ken, that irritate me the most, also tend to be the ones that make him a perfect match for me. I find that where I am weak, Ken is strong and where Ken is weak, I am strong. (Part 1)
    My recent post What’s It About Anyway

    • Part 2:

      I recently read something our main teaching pastor wrote. He said we need to forget our lists and look for one thing – a best friend who loves Jesus. I couldn't agree more!!!

      I think the main thing for me during that time of singleness was just really trusting God and reminding myself that He was not withholding something good from me. He was giving me what was better. I think back to those single days now and I am so grateful for the time I had to focus on me and God. (sorry to write a book)
      My recent post What’s It About Anyway

  • Joe S

    There are lots of men who are Kind, Strong, and Funny. In fact, dozens of them.

    Be honest – you aren't looking just for that, you are looking for someone who makes you feel like you want to be with them alot, the PB to your Jelly, right?

    Think of the last 5 guys you decided you couldn't date – which one of the 3 qualities did they not exhibit? I'm willing to bet most of them had these 3 traits, but it was something else you wanted.

    Also, try the 5 whys – why didn't you want to be with that person? Ask that 5 times for each of the last few people you've dated, going deeper each time. Eventually, you'll figure it out.

    • Certainly there is more. It obviously has to be the right fit for me and for him. There has to be a certain element of giddiness involved. But the other things that I'd love to find in someone are not necessarily non-negotiable. Sorry if I made this too simplistic.

      Also, I would say most of the guys I've dated seriously were lacking in one of the three areas at the time we dated.

  • shannonanna

    That was pretty much my list too. Under kindness, I wanted to see that demonstrated for "the least of these" (children, people with disabilities, those in poverty, etc) and not just people who look or act just like us. I was blessed to work at a camp and go on a couple of mission trips with my now husband, then boyfriend, and doing ministry with him and seeing him serve – those things sealed the deal for me.

    My recent post Flashback Friday- Lee and Shannon- the early days

  • 79Leslie

    I could write tons on this topic but I will simply say this…your list is so very smart and you should stick to it!!!

  • I didn't marry until I was 33, and I guess you could say I was super-picky. But not in a I'm-waiting-for-George-Clooney kind of way, more in a I'm-too-busy-to-waste-my-time-having-dinner-with-just-anybody kind of way. I seriously thought I'd never marry. But I've been married for almost three years now and have a beautiful 15-month-old little boy. I wrote a little bit about what God did in my heart to prepare me for my hubby here: http://lesliemaddox.com/2008/05/falling-in-love/.

  • If you're too picky, then that makes me too picky! I think it's OK to have a deal-breaker or two- for me he must be a strong Christian- but beyond that, it comes down to character. Looks will fade and it doesn't really matter if you both love the same movies/sports team/ice cream flavor. Kindness, sense of humor, intelligent, and just a bit of an edge…that'll do it for me. I hate when someone implies that I'm too picky. It's a good thing to have standards. I never want to settle for less and I don't think the people who insensitively ask that question want me to settle either. Good single Christian guys aren't lining up at my door so it's a matter of patiently waiting. If it's meant to be, it will be.
    My recent post Happiness

  • My husband didn't neatly fit into my checklist. If I had insisted on sticking to my pre-conceived ideas of what type of guy to marry, I would have missed out BIG TIME. I had so much peace and everything just seemed to click, I wasn't making anything happen, there were some things about him that I had to make a decision about – whether I'm willing to live with those flaws for the rest of my life. And I am. : )

  • As a single 34 year old, I also wonder if I am being too picky.

    My list includes the following: kind, honorable, godly, conservative…..In other words I am trying to find a man with the same principles and characteristics that my father possessed and taught me were important.

    Do I want to get married, with all my heart but I won’t settle. So until god shows me my future husband, I live each day fully enjoying the time god has given me as a single person. I also pray to god daily that he keeps my heart open to the possibility of marriage and to people, so when he shows me my mate I am ready.

  • presh

    Lindsey-
    thank you for those words. I definitely have heard that same comment time and time again–you are too picky! and I look back on most of my 20's and I think I was that–too picky. But now my non-negotiables, like yours, are things that I do not consider picky at all, but instead, things I just don't want to settle on(b.c I think settling is THE worst thing one can do!!). And I STRONGLY believe that God knows EXACTLY what we need (more than we know, thank goodness!) and more than anything, I want to trust in Him with who He has for me! My non-negotiables are…loves the Lord and that love is ever growing deeper, ever more passionate, and ever more beautiful the more he walks with Him. I want someone with whom I can be totally myself–who makes me laugh, who appreciates my tears, and who celebrates life. I want someone who has a heart for people and not only enjoys being around friends, but actively pursues them and walks with them (and is not afraid to do so).

    I think we all have non-negotiables but my prayer is that my non-negotiables have changed to be more in step with what the Lord wants for me. One of the comments below said "be open" and I agree with that–b/c we never know when, where and how God can plop that man with the non-negotiables and more in our lap. And I believe that when we truly DELIGHT ourselves in the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart IN HIS perfect timing–and although it may not look anything like we thought or when we thought, God knows best!!

  • Melissa Renner

    Lindsey – you are not too picky! Hold tight to those non-negotiables! I did not marry until I was 37 and I know without a doubt that I am married to the man I waited all those years for and he was worth the wait. I was looking for someone that would be strong enough to handle my strengths and not be intimidated by them, yet was a good balance to my weaknesses and made me a better person by being with him than I was alone. And yes – funny was one of my non-negotiables too! Sometimes a sense of humor is critical to make it through life's tough times!

    I felt like I had a pretty good life (good job, home, car, travels, friends, etc.) yet I did not want to be single and childless. I felt like I had so many things that others would covet, yet I was alone and willing to give them up for marriage and kids. I always wondered if something was wrong with me… if God was trying to teach me something or build my character…why was I still single? The single guys around me made me question: "is this what I've waited for all these years?" Turns out it was because my future husband didn't need me yet. When the time was right, I met this amazing man who had lost his wife suddenly, leaving him alone with 3 kids. It wasn't the scenario I would have envisioned for my future husband, but he's so much more amazing than the man I had created in my head. Sorry for the long comment…I just want to encourage you to hold on!

  • What were you looking for?

    coming out of a volatile marriage that ended in suicide… i was looking for safety.

    What did you find?

    a fierce protector.

    and in so many ways…i got way, WAY more than i could have asked for or deserve.
    My recent post brain break

  • Tami Heim

    Oh Lindsey

    This just transported me back to the Sanibel beach the summer before Zoe's senior year in college. We spent the afternoon 'mapping' out her non-negotiable list. I was a big advocate for her not compromising and then committed to pray over that list with her for her future husband.

    Than the conversation took an interesting turn. We talked about what she would contribute to the relationship. What would make her desirable? What qualities would need to be REAL in her to attract the man she longed for? How would she show honor and respect to her future husband? What gifts and impact would she bring to him and their life long commitment? We also talked about what grace her future husband would need while God continued to work out the kinks in her.

    You know the power of your words. (Think GAP) Something happened that day on the beach. She became clear about what God had specifically put in her to bring, give, and offer a lifelong partner. It was a revelation to her heart. She owned desires of her heart in a completely different way. Just about a year later her father walked her down the aisle. And you know the rest of the story – they live, love, and serve a school full of children and he pastors in a church of 10,000 in Korea. From an in law perspective (where standards seem to always be the highest) this young man far exceeded our dreams and hopes for her.

    What about a post titled " If YOU are picky – apply here." Okay – titles may not be my strength, but Just for the fun of it. – what's God put in you that He longs to pour out into the man He has waiting for you?

    Love you BIG. Really BIG. – Tami
    My recent post What’s the Buzz…

    • Tami, I'm going to have to think on that one. I am going to think on what would make me desirable, how would I honor and respect someone, and what gifts I have…

      Thanks for all the encouragement. I can feel you championing me and I so appreciate it.

  • Cam

    I don't think you are too picky at all, just know that those 3 primary traits won't always expose themselves immediately, they take time to recognize and appreciate. Never 'settle' for love.
    My recent post I want to live right there in the middle

  • Hi Lindsey, you can never be too picky when it comes to spending a lifetime together. I love your three choices and wish more gents would aspire to be that kind of man.

    Me, I'm 36, still single and told all the time that I can't keep the standards of the Christian life. And these are my Christian friends.

    I am looking for a woman who aspires to be the woman described in Proverbs 31. The qualities I see described in that passage are

    Intelligent and Industrious

    Generous and Gregarious

    Wise and Witty

    Maybe I stretched witty out of the passage, but I think it follows wisdom.

    And for the husband found in the passage: leadership. The song Lead Me by Sanctus Real sums up my thoughts on this.

    I pray that each and every single person who reads this blog is encouraged to be picky and willing to wait until they find what they seek.
    My recent post works is our way of life

  • Ashley Williams

    Girl- I do not think you are being picky at all. Let's be REAL honest, there are some WEIRDOS out there these days. I really love your 3 non-negotiable. For me I think it would be those and then loyalty. I can barely commit to a gym membership much less a LIFE LONG relationship.

  • oh, girl, hell no.

    no, not too picky. i don't know what it is.

    when my dad died almost a year ago, i broke up with the person i had been dating for nine months because he didn't get along with my sisters and i realized then that it's just not worth it.

    i sort of dated someone this summer, but he wasn't remotely a christian. i really consider myself as having been single for the last year. it's been time i've needed for myself. and, honestly? i'm kind of fine with it. at this point, i just cannot be with anyone who doesn't love jesus the same way i love jesus. not only that, but loves him *more* and can even lead me -who has known the lord from birth (even though my walk has been crooked and curvy). *that* is the thing i can't compromise on anymore.

    funny, kind & strong – is there any question? but i've danced through my parade of fools long enough to know now that i just can't settle for anything else.

    xo

  • I am married, but have spent a significant amount of my adult life single. I was looking for two things. I wanted someone that was 1) consistent: a guy who said what he meant and meant what he said. I got so sick of dating games and hearing one thing and then seeing the opposite. 2) persistent: a guy who would pursue me and me only! I waited a long time, but God placed that guy in my life.

  • juliebmack

    Lindsey,
    You are definitely too picky! LOL I am in the same boat, but also a couple years older and never been married. SO, I get the picky comments, and the "it's okay-you are just not settling, you just have not found the right guy, i have no idea why you are still single, it makes no sense."… UGH! I would say that you should not settle, and those good characteristics are just the start… as I always say, I am looking to STAY married, not GET married!
    My recent post Do You Take Drinking Water for Granted

  • I don't think it's a bad thing to have a few standards that you're looking for. But as I found with my wife, the things we are looking for a usually arranged in a way that we wouldn't necessarily expect. To describe my wife before I met her, I wouldn't say that she was my "type," but when I met her, I instantly knew that she was the cutest girl I had ever met, and had a heart to match. So there's standards, and then there's reality. Standards are good, but you have to be open to who comes along.
    My recent post Blog Month- Behold- Your Blog Idols

  • Almost (really holding on to that right now) 34 and single, I've engaged in this conversation many times. I don't think I'm too picky and I don't think you are either. But, I did come to a point where I realized that I may need to be more open to the possibilities in a guy. My mother pointed out that I was a little "hard".* Hmmm. So, I softened up, gave a few guys a chance, and it just wasn't there. What wasn't there? I don't know. But, I'll tell you what was there. What I like to call the "ick factor." I just started feeling ICK. I came to a point where I realized I just didn't like the guy and "ick" set in. When "ick" sets in there is no undoing it and I had to get out.
    The thing is, even when a guy meets a concise list of non-negotiables there are sometimes unexplainable reasons why I just don't like him. And I don't think that makes me picky either. You can't manufacture this stuff!
    And yes, I'd rather be happy and single (like I am) then married and miserable. But, when people say this to me I want to ask why those are my 2 choices. I'll take happy and married, please. Maybe one day.

    *I pointed out to her that I wasn't turning down guys left and right. They just weren't pursuing. But, maybe I was putting out a bad vibe???

  • Albert L.

    The most important qualities I want in my future partner is:
    1) a sense of justice (to be fair and loving in what she says/does),
    2) courage (takes initiative, a warrior in her own right),
    3) temperance (humble and self control)

    This already goes with my non-negotiables of being a Christ-follower, partner, and enjoying In-N-Out burgers.

    As a mid-20s single guy…yeah, I would consider myself decently picky. =) haha

    Joking aside…Lindsey, you're not picky. These are great things you're asking for. As a guy, I find women who are picky to be most attractive because they know what they want. I just haven't found someone whose qualities up there would be compatible with mine, both her & my perspective.

    Some people here already gave excellent advice and it wouldn't hurt to dig deeper into who you are and how God made you to be. But I see a lot of strength in your words and I think it's just a matter of time before God's show you someone. Hang in there and no need to settle for anything less than what you already desire.

    Best,
    Albert
    My recent post Somebody’s Getting Fired

  • This is great.. i am 25 and single, and am starting to feel the some of the pressures that you allude to in this article. I am picky, but often times am face to face with the fear of being single for life. I know in comparison to other who have posted before me 25 seems young, and it probably is. Either way we are all faced with pressures, in the journey of finding a spouse. Stay strong on those things that are non-negotiable, and trust Jesus.. its the purest form of worship to him in this journey.

  • On my list —
    1. Affectionate. I want the man I marry to be someone I am attracted to and enjoys showing it. I honest to God about this one. Maybe because I'd chosen to love — to be obedient to love — in my family of origin so long, passion was important to set this person apart from familial feelings (which I knew would kick in later in order to nurture the marriage long term).

    2. Strong. Ditto on everything you said. I want to know he can handle the hard stuff and not have to "fix" me. I want him to love me with a strength that will draw me out and give me confidence to confide the most intimate of details. I want a lover, a best friend, who can stand there in the "in-between" times.

    3. Funny. Match me up with someone who loves to laugh and I'm down right, embarrassingly silly. And I love that. Laughter is super important to me.

    If I were to choose one word to describe the quality I was holding out for — that I was picky about — was *vulnerability*. I didn't know what the right combo of qualities, but I told God, if I were to get married, it had to be someone I could be completely vulnerable with. I think it's the one thing I cannot do by myself, so if I had a husband, that is what I would want in my life. Without Him, it would just be God who provides that embarrassing, raw & deep intimacy. So, if I were to get married, I told God — "That is what I want with a man — to be vulnerable, the way I am with You, as much as a human can be."

    And yes, I found such a guy. 7 years later, still amazes me how God uses him to open more places inside me with love and vulnerability.

    Doesn't sound like you are being "picky" at all. The qualities you put out here is worth holding out for!

    The qualities we look for are so personal to each individual's personality, unique make-up andemotional history, to each her own! 😉

    My recent post The Terrible Letters We Read — Why Faith Is The Choice For Happiness

  • I am 26 and single…my friends call me picky. Most of my friends who think I am picky aren’t believers…I call it standards. I think there are obvious things that we can be too picky on but other things that aren’t options…

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  • You are not too picky!!! I got married to my first and only boyfriend when I was 24. I met him when I was 21.

    You should see my list. It was really long. And God did answer my prayers. It was worth waiting for the best.

    My recent post Waiter!